Aaj Jaane Ki Zid Na Karo

As usual I got up before the alarm buzzed. I walked towards the kitchen and set the pan on the gas. I can't survive without shot of caffeine early in the morning. I took the mug and went to the balcony. The view was splendid from there. I wanted to sit in the balcony but suddenly I remembered what Harsh had told me sometime ago, 'Try not to go out. I don't want to attract unwanted attention.' Honestly something had died within me then and there and it made me brutally realize who I was,  still I didn't say anything. I dragged a chair towards the huge window and started enjoying my cup of coffee.

            The view ahead of me was fabulous. Zig-zag roads crossed each other. I wonder where they went? At times I also wondered where did people go who every day travel on these roads? They go to home, my subconscious replied. If they go home why in the first place do they leave the comfort of their home? Home! One word but so powerful and magical. I looked around and realized that I was also sitting in somebody's home. Yes right, remember the word 'somebody's' not yours. I could have argued with my subconscious but realized that like always it was making a valid point. I sipped my coffee but suddenly was scared thinking what else would my subconscious say to me. So, without wasting a single second I switched on the TV. But God! Did even TV give me any kind of respite? No, none at all.

            I started wandering aimlessly in the house. I wanted to do something to keep my mind drifting off in some unwanted territory. Should I make breakfast? Nah! I wasn't competent enough to make pancakes and I was sure that Harsh wouldn't relish my paranthas. It was still 7 and there was plenty of time for Harsh to wake up. Should I drink one more cup of coffee? 'No need for that, stay in your limits.'

            Limits! This is one word that hasn't stop pursuing me since I was born. 'Mom, I want to study... No, you can't anymore and moreover stay in your limits.'

            'Dad... I've fallen in love and want to get married to him.'

            How dare can you utter such filthy words? Stay in your limits and don't tempt me to thrash you.'

            I shuddered at the memory. Now more than a cup of coffee, I needed a cigarette. I went to the room quietly. Harsh was sleeping contently. I blushed a little thinking of what happened last night but even the memory wasn't strong enough to make my demons disappear. I pulled a cigarette from the box and went outside. With trembling hands, I lit it and took a huge fag. The smoke calmed me down. My relationship with my parents was never a good one. My father (like 80% of the population) wanted a son but got me. My mother was lucky as she died while giving birth to me and thereby saved herself from the endless torture. I, on the other hand was the cursed one who had to suffer a lot.

            One day when it got out of hand, I ran away. Ran away from the endless beating, ran away from the fake relationship of father and daughter and ran away from a place that according to others was my home. With no specific place in mind, like any other Hindi movie I ended up boarding the first train that came on the platform and I reached Mumbai.

            The cigarette had finished and frankly I needed another one. There was still sometime before Harsh would wake up. By then I will be completely fine and he won't suspect a thing. Life after coming to Mumbai was full of ups and downs. However, things changed after I met Harsh. I met him at my workplace. He looked so lost that something inside me churned. We got into talking and right after that a passionate affair and now here I was, sitting in his house.

            The door squeaked and I quickly hid my cigarette and tried to scatter the smoke but it was a futile effort. Harsh while rubbing his eyes frowned at my expression, "You were smoking again, weren't you?"

            I smiled meekly and he walked past me to the kitchen. I went behind him and hugged him hard. I knew he was smilingly and he asked me if I wanted anything. Unlike me Harsh wasn't a coffee guy but he preferred tea. We ended up sitting on the couch and in between our banter we enjoyed our tea as well as each other.

            Before I could realize, it was evening. The time had come when I would go back to my life and he would return to his. We were quietly sitting in the car when he spoke, "Chaya, we can't meet anymore. My parents have fixed my wedding and this is it."

            I didn't look at him. Actually I didn't dare to look at him. I didn't want him to see me in my moment of weakness. Afterall he had not committed anything. He never professed his love for me nor he made any kind of false promises.  Whatever there was in between us was strictly business. He dropped me at my so called home and before I could get out of the car, he gave me an envelope.

            "Don't think of this as a payment but try to make a good living out of this. You don't deserve all of this and in future if you need any kind of help, just let me know." With this he hugged me hard while I sat there as a stone. In the background, a song played... Aaj jaane ki zid na karo.

            He looked at me for sometime and it was my cue to get out of the car. Without a look back he drove away and I couldn't help myself but look at the envelope in my hand and then my so called 'home.' It was buzzing with life but then every night it is the same. Men from all walks of life come to this place at the wake of night to get sexual favours. Girls, some were of my age, some younger than me and some older tried to woo every man that passes from the street in order to make a living for themselves. The choice of men didn't depend upon how good looking or chivalrous they were, but it depended upon how much they could pay. So, once this was settled girls like me laid on the bed like corpse occasionally faking screams in delights to give an ego boost to their customer so that he is drawn to come the next night too. Nevertheless, the truth is with every sexual advance the girl died a slow and painful death coming to a level where no difference can be cited in her and a lifeless person.

            It wasn't like that I fell in love with Harsh. Then why did it hurt so much knowing that he would never come back again? 'Because, every weekend he took you to his place and no matter for how short time, you loved the concept of having a normal life and being in a home that you never got.'   

            With a heavy heart, I dragged myself to my room. In between this several hands felt me everywhere but like always I was immune to everything. I went to my room and bolted the door. For the first time since I had come here I cried to my hearts fullest. Was having a desire to have a home of my own so bad? Hailing from a tag of sex worker would I never be able to find anyone who would want me as a whole and not just my body?

            Even before my tears dried, there was a knock at my door. I looked at the envelope and then at the trunk that was my bank account with few saving. The knock at the door got persistent. I wiped off my tears and opened the door. A young boy in his early twenty's was standing in front of me with an embarrassed and awkward expression. I laughed out loud and then felt pity for the boy. I invited him in. It was clear that he was visiting such place for the first time.

            "Hey, have you made all these?" I looked at few sketches he was holding in his hand. Sketches drawn by me of a girl who wanted to get free from the clutches of society. I smiled and he continued, "These are brilliant. I sketch myself and the color combination that you have used is exquisite. You must showcase this."

            I smiled again and sat right next to him. The way he was looking at my sketches made me sure that he would be happy discussing art work rather than ravishing my body. There was a thrill in his voice that temporarily made me forget my pains. I switched on the radio while he looked at my colouring book commenting every now and then about the story that my sketches bore. A song played in the background... Aaj Jaane ki zid na karo and my stupid heart started weaving dreams again.