Caged

I was standing outside the room. The laughter mixed with emotional cries could be heard till the corridor's end. Till now I had been summoned in the room thrice, but I don't know why I couldn't move. I was standing transfixed. Actually I had been in the same state since the time I had heard the news. I was still standing with bated breath when somebody coaxed me and pulled me inside the room. Who was that? I don't even know. The room smelled of medicines. The walls were pale white and there was a huge machine on which some gibberish thing was flashing. Why can't they make the rooms a bit better? I looked everywhere but at the spot that was waiting for my attention.

            For a nanosecond everything went black. I thought I had become blind. Before I could panic anymore a voice jolted me, and reluctantly my eyes focused on the spot that I had been trying to ignore till now. There he was. Lying on the bed. Actually it would be wrong to call it a bed. With just a mattress and non-existent pillow, it looked nothing like a bed but then one couldn't expect a plush mattress at such places. A simple plain bed-sheet was neatly spread. He hated white, how could he lie on a white bed-sheet? I guess he didn't have much say in that. After my eye had actually grasped every minute detail about the room, bed, surroundings did my mind allow my eyes to look at the person who was the center of attraction.

            Anhad. Hold on, was he really Anhad? He had a grown beard and somehow his face had lost its charm. I tried to match his face with my last memory of him. He looked different. Not the same Anhad whom I had seen last time. There's no way he is Anhad. It has been 8years, Naaz! I was shocked. Who said that? Everybody's eyes were transfixed on Anhad and his eyes were scrutinizing me. Somebody pushed me towards the bed and like a robotic program the distance in between us was covered. I was still standing. Too scared to make any movement. Scared or confused? I seriously don't know. Again a hand pushed me and mechanically I sat down on the bed. Who was this person? And why were they making me do things? Can't I sit on the bed on my own? I wanted to ask these questions but my inner self cited my incapability to function normally. I was now looking at Anhad and he at me. However, the emotion mirrored in our eyes was contrasting. He was looking at me lovingly, whereas I was still hoping that this would just be a dream and I would wake up soon.

            The room became quiet and I realized that there were only two of us left. "I thought I would never be able to see you again," and with this Anhad wrapped his bandaged arm around me. It was Anhad. Oh God! Anhad is back after 8 years. Without any warning tears streamed down my eyes and before I could understand my sobs converted to howls. My tears were trying to wash over 8 years of my pain when my eyes saw somebody and my heart contracted. It was none other than Lakshya.   

            The hospital had left me emotionally drained. So, I excused myself from the trauma and ended up coming to my favorite coffee joint for a shot of caffeine. Finally Anhad was back. There was unadulterated joy in our houses, even I silently hoped for his return and now when he has why don't I feel the thrill? Anhad and I were college sweethearts and I was madly in love with him. Please don't ponder upon 'was' as I am telling you something that happened 8years ago. At 24, our parents had ordered us to get married. Honestly, I was at cloud nine. This was what I had always wanted. After successfully completing my MBA Degree, I was all set to get married to the man of my dreams and jointly we had decided to open our own company. This was all what I had ever wanted. However, a month before our set wedding date, Anhad met with a fatal accident. His car was crushed into pieces and horrifying thing was his body was nowhere to be found.

            My life halted then and there. I kept telling myself that it was just matter of time and Anhad would be back soon as the chances of him being alive are high as his body wasn't found. Slowly and slowly days turned into months and years and I started slipping into depression. I would have slipped into the life of oblivion if Lakshya wouldn't have pulled me back at the right time. Nevertheless, I became a completely different person after Anhad was gone. Naaz- who was full of life and laughter had now started spending hours in enclosed room. I had given up on my friends and family but somehow Lakshya never gave up on me.

            Lakshya was my childhood friend who after some years went with his family and got settled in Canada. He was a budding painter and had flown to India specifically to attend my marriage. After knowing the tragedy, unlike his parents he didn't leave for Canada. I was thankful for his presence in my life. Whenever I was with him, it felt that the hole inside me had filled and almost healed but back in the confinement of my room my wounds opened fresh.   Lakshya tried to cheer me up and after years of hard work was able to make a clone of me. A clone who looked liked me even laughed like me but was somehow not me completely. Anhad's premature death made me age before time. Now I didn't like going to concerts, but every now and then I went to watch a play, books were my best friends and the uncertainty of my life was taken over by planning. Well, the change wasn't that bad. Anhad left me alone at 24 and Lakshya has never left my side even for a single second in the past 8years. Call it growing up or whatsoever but if I now look back and came face to face with my old self once, I will myself not recognize her.

            After few years, my parents suggested me marriage but I was just too vulnerable to deal with any kind of emotion. Although, I could fathom my growing dependence on Lakshya. I don't know whether it was love or emotional dependence but the thought of him leaving was enough to scare the daylights of me. Still somewhere deep down the line I felt guilty. I felt like I was cheating on Anhad by allowing myself to be happy with someone else. Well it does sound cliché, but your psyche is conditioned like this only. You are never allowed to think about your happiness before you make sure that every person around you is content. So reluctantly when Lakshya confessed his love for me I was too confused to reply. Nevertheless, with passage of time I knew that I wanted him to feel alive.

            I started falling in love with Lakshya with every passing day. It felt like knowing something new about myself every second day. With his undying love and affection, my wounds healed completely and I became me to certain extent just with some alterations. Looking back it felt like I had two births and I got a chance to be loved by two of the most amazing people. Nevertheless, the day I thought my life has sorted out, was the day it further got entangled.

            Anhad was discharged from the hospital and was back home. I was there with him all the time. "Your favourite concert is coming up in Mumbai. Shall we book the tickets and leave? I'm also fine now and this way we can spend some time together too."

            "Rather than going for the concert, let's go and watch Saddat Hassan Manto play as I've been waiting for it for long." I replied without a thought.

            "Play and you? Naaz, you've certainly changed." Anhad's statement jolted me from inside. Maybe I have. All I could do was smile meekly.

            Lakshya didn't complain even for a second since Anhad's comeback. He was very understanding. We're having dinner one day when my phone rang. It was none other than Anhad's mother. Anhad was experiencing severe pain and was rushed to the hospital. "Don't worry aunty I'm on way," saying this without another thought I got up from the table and rushed outside only to realize that I was with Lakshya at that time. I was about to go inside the restaurant to explain myself when I saw him coming out with my bag in his hand. He opened the door for me and asked me the name of the hospital where Anhad was at that time.

            I was sitting in the waiting room too uncertain about my life. On one hand there was Anhad whom I loved and probably still do (the intensity isn't what it used to be) and then there is Lakshya whom I need badly and yes I do love him. Lakshya handed me a cup of coffee knowing the inner struggle I was going through. Suddenly it was too much to handle. I ran out of the hospital. It was raining heavily outside. I turned around and even though I couldn't see anyone still I could sense Lakshya's eyes on me and could feel stable heart beat of Anhad. I stood in the rain for a long time letting it wash over me. Suddenly I felt like a bird out from the cage but somehow caged by the vast sky that doesn't give any other option except to fly.