Unfinished Business

Sitting next to a glass window and watching the rain has its own charm. How tiny water droplets make everything look new, how the mesmerising smell fills your nostrils and you’re forced to visit the memory lanes that are otherwise too slippery to walk upon. Kerala... Oh how I love this place. God’s own country and there’s truly no doubt about it. I craned my neck back to the bed and saw Nihaal sleeping peacefully. Well, after last night, I’m sure he needs all his strength. He was gorgeous and there was no doubt about it. And the way he would make me feel... the way I giggled like a schoolgirl with him made him even more special. I so badly wanted to crawl back into the bed and wrap my arms around him, but the rain... oh that devious rain had something on its mind and I knew till the time I won’t submit, the clutches and the leash won’t be cut loose. 

​Nihaal and I work in the same magazine house. Even though he is younger to me, but honestly it is he who is mature in between us. I feel happy with him. He’s my experimenting person. Oh no! Don’t get me wrong. He’s the one who has made me go bonkers for whiskey. He makes me try these strange but hip cafes, otherwise I’m too much of a Sheraton girl. And before you get any wrong notion, I don’t love him and neither does he. We’re damn fond of each other,devilishly attracted to each other but that’s it. And yes! Even after all this he’s still in my room, stark naked and I wearing a bathrobe is sitting in front of a big glass window thinking about someone who though doesn’t live with me, but lives inside me. 

​Anant... In other words, infinite. His name does complete justice to him. It may sound cheesy, but honestly he flows in my veins. Meeting him was no accident. Today, if I think about it, I’m sure that it had a greater purpose. A lean guy, with no distinguished features, but the moment you look into his eyes, you would feel that there’s a completely different story to tell. During that time, I wasn’t an Editor of a magazine. I was just a mediocre content writer and he was a freelance photographer. We didn’t hit instantly. He was too shy to say something and at the same point of time too high headed to talk to a girl who committed grammatical mistakes in her write ups. But, with passage of time, things changed in between us. I still don’t remember exactly what happened, but one day I found myself hugging him close and I knew I had found my home. 

​Anant, just like his name was difficult to tame. I knew he couldn’t be caged and that made me even more scared. We were becoming something important for each other, but at the same time he was very clear as to where he wanted to be. Funnily, like any other normal couple, we never held hands, we never went for movies. We did go for coffee many times but from far away it would hardly seem like a date. Still, we were content when we were together. He was my home and no matter how your home is, you don’t take away the essence of it by rebuilding it. 

​But like any other couple, our life was also full of ups and downs. Probably more than the normal people. Clearly we were two people who were not meant to be together. The downpour increased and I knew that what would follow would leave me drained. I knew I needed something strong. Whiskey at 5 in the morning didn’t seem the right deal. So, I turned on the kettle to make a cup of coffee for myself. Nihaal stirred but fell back to his deep slumber. I was glad, as I wanted this time with myself. I wanted this time with Anant.

​I still remember the day, that was the nail in the coffin for us. We had been fighting over some trivial issue and this time I knew I had had enough. He had some outdoor shoot and he made it sure that I accompanied him too. So, early in the morning without any crew member we found ourselves doing reiki of a place that in some hours would turn into a shoot location.

​“What is your problem?” I asked when I knew the topic had to be broached sooner or later.

​“I don’t have a problem,” saying this he kept on moving. I literally had to run to keep my pace with him.

​“Then why am I asked to accompany you to a shoot which doesn’t need me?”

​“Because you do exactly the way I say.” We were getting deeper into a forest and probably deeper into the reason of our fight. 

​“What is the hell your problem? Are you angry that I’m not taking your calls or are you angry that I’m deliberately trying to put some distance in between us?”

​“I’m angry because you’re deliberately trying to dig up something that isn’t there in the first place.”

​“Isn’t it?” I screamed and he stopped. We had hit a vein. “And for your kind information, I’m not digging up anything. I’m just leaving the things as it is.”

​“KAVYA!” My insides shuddered. He was damn angry and I knew he shouldn’t be messed with, but probably that’s what we both needed. A closure. “Don’t try to steer the conversation to some dark and corner area. I chose photography way before you entered in my life. I had a life before we even met. I had commitments before we happened. And yes, I won’t turn my face away from everything just because we have something going on. And moreover have I ever doubted you as to what may be happening in between you and Rajveer. Of course you guys can do whatever ....”

​“STOP RIGHT THERE.” Anant stopped walking. Even though he clearly knew that I meant him to stop talking, he stopped walking too. He turned around and saw my tear stricken face. This is what we were best at. Both of us. Hurting each other because no matter whether we were close or far away, we were constantly hurting. The hurt that we met each other at a wrong time. Hurt that no matter even if we wanted to, we couldn’t turn our backs from the reality and give in to our love. Hurt that even though none of us possessed the other person, still the thought of somebody else near makes us boil. And when you can’t do anything about your hurt, the best way is to inflict it on other.

​“You must really hate me for falling in love with you, don’t you Kavya?” pain filled his voice.”Yes the truth is I can’t give you a future that you desire, because I already have one. I’m not going to give you the satisfaction of accepting/rejecting that whether the rumours you heard about me were correct or incorrect. And I’ll try not to look at you with distaste everything you and Rajveer go out, even if it is for a cup of coffee.” He completed the distance in between us and wiped off my tears. “Fine, we’re done.”

“What?” the sob muffled my cry.

“I’m letting you go. This is what you want and I think it’s for the best. You go your way and I’ll go mine. I’ve to go back to the promises that I made to certain people. But this doesn’t mean we’re leaving each other. You know where I would be always, and I promise to keep a tab on you too,” saying this he kissed my forehead and enveloped me in his hug that is my home.

Even though I was numb, the moment his arms wrapped around me, I forgot the pain and wanted to surround myself with the calm and love that his hug offered me. He was the one to break it. And I remained there standing. Crying. Trying to console myself that it was for the good. That it would set us both free. But it did the opposite to me at least. I left a chunk of myself in that forest and somehow I never got it back. 

Time passed and he achieved what he desired and I what I always wanted. But the yearning, the emptiness remained. The void is still there. It still pains everytime I breathe and somehow I’m sure it is the same for him. We’re still in contact. We couldn’t break it. I reached out for my phone and typed a simple message. ‘Hi!’

The reply was almost instant. ‘Hi. Was thinking about you.’

It made me smile and some more tears left the confinement and flowed happily. ‘I had to message. I almost didn’t survive. I almost died without you. Didn’t you miss me? Even a little?’

The reply wasn’t instant. And I knew it won’t be. There were days when one of us was strong. Today it was his. However a reply came:

‘I know my heart will never be the same, but I’m telling myself that I’ll be okay someday.’

I broke down, as if I couldn’t take it any longer. We both couldn’t disagree that we have some unfinished business. “Hey beautiful, having coffee akele akele?”

Nihaal was standing beside me. I wiped off my tears slyly and looked at him smilingly. He kissed my head and engulfed me in a hug. Even though it didn’t feel the same way, still I was glad to be held. I wrapped my arms around him. He kissed me passionately and even though I melted, still I knew my soul was untouched as it always belonged to Anant. And even when my broken heart is nursed back to health, it is Anant I would go back to.