Stay A Little Longer

       There was hustle bustle everywhere. Children were running from one place to another. Aunties were flaunting their bare back blouses and designer sarees. Uncles were busy chatting with others and were roaming with whiskey glasses. Amidst of all this, I was sitting with a smile curled on my lips drinking all the sights. Suddenly I felt commotion at the table. My best friends, Misha and Rabia suddenly stood up from their respective chairs and ran towards the door. I tried to see what made them dash towards the entrance and within a nano-second the reason was standing face to face. Eyes boring into my soul.

            Ranvir. He was standing at the threshold; his arms wrapped around two girls. It was a cute sight. A 6 feet guy, hugging two girls who were barely reaching his shoulder. Both the girls were excitedly talking to him, and he was patiently answering them as if a parent is answering to the queries of a child. His eyes were making rounds and they suddenly stopped at me. I managed to smile meekly but his fond gaze turned into a scowl. Slowly, they walked towards the table and all this while I hoped that I don’t get to talk to him, don’t get to meet him; just disappear. But, as they say, if wishes were horses, beggars would ride. Finally they reached my table. Before I could order my mouth to say something, I heard an accusation.

            “You have lost weight.”

            I wanted to laugh. He was the only person who would regard my weight loss as an accusation not an achievement. A smile curled on my lips, “It’s nice to meet you to Ranvir.”

            His eyes mirrored anger and amusement. “I don’t need your smart mouth right now Zenab. Would you mind telling me what the hell are you doing to yourself? Are you aiming for minus size now?”

            Now it was my turn to scowl. My eyes remained fixed at him. I gestured the waiter with coffee to place a cup on my table, which he dutifully did. I knew I needed something strong and coffee wasn’t the thing, but then drinking in his company was a bad idea. For sometime we remained quiet. Misha and Rabia engaged Ranvir in conversation but I knew his eyes were on me.

            Let me introduce you to the most lovable characters in my life. Misha and Rabia used to my colleagues. We all worked in a publication house as creative writers. From colleagues, these two girls became my friends and later on my family. Misha… well she is donning my hats as far as my relationship with her is concerned. She is my friend, guide, confidante, surrogate mother, adopted daughter and soul sister. Rabia is the younger sister whom I’m proud of, and we are attending our bestie’s wedding. Ranvir, on the other hand… is a complicated strand in my relationship knot.

            We met in the most unexpected ways. We became friends and he ended up becoming an important part of my life. However, just a part because my life has already been one person… Aakash. So when one day I was whining about my hectic day and how I was feeling trapped in what I’m doing, Ranvir’s confession came off as a blow. I won’t say that I didn’t see it coming, but I was assuring myself that he won’t utter a word. But he did. And I knew it was an end to a beautiful friendship. No… I didn’t friendzoned him. I had told him on the very 1^st day itself that I was off limit. Neither did I use mushy endearments with him that would make him feel I was interested. With us… I guess it was a comfort level. We could talk on same topics for hours. I was a roller coaster and he was the switch who could pause and slow me down. But never ever I could imagine or want to give him the place that was secured for Aakash.

            Aakash… even his name brings a smile on my face. He’s amazing though yes not a boyfriend material but I guess I wasn’t even looking for one. Man of few words, believes in acting, will be with you like an invisible cloak guarding you, keeping you safe but will never come on the surface. Aakash has always been complicated. A man who is sure of his feelings but isn’t comfortable in showcasing them. So no matter how many times a vocal person like me fought with him to speak out, he was happy in his cocoon, guarding his feelings and challenging you to see themselves.

            “How much coffee are you planning to drink?” this time Ranvir’s voice was angrier.

            I looked around and found only two of us sitting on the table. Dammit! My friends decided to give me alone time when I didn’t need it. I looked at Ranvir and then at my phone. God! How badly I wanted just one message to get my mood back in swing. “Where are those two traitors?” I asked while sipping coffee.

            He smiled and trust me he looked devilishly handsome. “Well, Misha had to go and attend a call that hadn’t come and Rabia had to make a round to the washroom.”

            I laughed. “They did leave us together hoping that we would solve the issue alone, didn’t they?”

            His expressions turned sombre, “There isn’t any issue between us Zenab. So, pray and tell me what’s eating you that you’re drinking so much of coffee? How are things going?”

            Oh Shit! I was worried about this question. I cleared my throat and replied, “Work is going great as usual. Just bagged a great project in which I would get to interview…”

            “Don’t Zenab,” I stopped in between and looked at him with confused expressions. “You know what am I asking about and it’s definitely not work.”

            What was I supposed to tell him? That I missed his friendship? I missed talking Literature with him? That with my bestie married and Misha already in a different city I’m kind of feeling lonely. That my fights with Aakash are on increase even though the love hasn’t decreased even by an ounce? That every now and then I’ve nightmares which are not letting me sleep? That I’m getting so much recognition in my work, still it doesn’t calm me or soothe me? “They are fine.” It was his cue that I won’t divulge a word beyond this and graciously he accepted.

            I wanted to smoke. I asked him and he came with me. Even being a non smoker he patiently stood with me while I puffed my problems and emotions in smoke. I didn’t want any of this. It wasn’t my fault that he ended up having feelings for me. I cleared the air in between us right in the beginning. But then it is true too that I didn’t want him to leave the city. Like a greedy person, I wanted to have the best of both the worlds. A friend who was always there and a guy whom I love to the level of infinity.

            I started walking and he followed. I was glad he was there. Cladded in a saree, I was walking on a busy road lost in my own thoughts. “I hate that things have become like this in between us,” I spoke without giving it a thought. He kept quiet as if he knew this wasn’t the end. “You knew about my life from the very beginning, so I didn’t cheat you. I feel bad that the gang isn’t able to meet you and they have to be cautious before they mention you to me. I know you’ve been keeping tabs on me… hell I just wanted life to be simpler. My emotions are going Hayward and I don’t know how to keep a check on them. It is ruining everything around me. I’m glad Misha hasn’t run away, but then she won’t. She loves me too much and is adamant like me. But rest everyone is slipping from my fingers as sand, and I’m scared.”

            He didn’t say a word but he knew I was talking about Aakash only. Yes Aakash was slipping from my hands. I could sense a distance creeping in between us. It’s not his fault but somewhere mine only. There were times when I wanted to have a switch button that would make both Aakash and Ranvir disappear. It was like Karma was hitting me. I sidelined everyone for Aakash and remained glued to him; Ranvir has sidelined everyone and is glued to me. The guilt… I just wanted it to get over. The guilt of seeing Ranvir getting detached from his friends because of me, the guilt of expecting more from Aakash when he was already giving me that entire he was capable of, the guilt that my friends were staying away from Ranvir but not saying a word to me.

            I don’t know how I reached the venue. Probably it was because of Ranvir as I could feel grip of his fingers around my wrist. Back at the venue, Misha’s eyes were searching for me and visibly relaxed when she saw me. We attended the wedding. It was a damn emotional moment but somehow I kept my tears in check. The wedding got over and the bride happily mingled in her new family. Ranvir got up. I knew he was about to leave. My whole body tensed however, still my eyes were glued on my phone. I was waiting for one message… stating anything… hi or damn hectic day… any goddamn thing, but all in vain.

            Misha and Rabia got up to see him off. And I was glued to my seat. Choked. Couldn’t move. He waited for a few minutes for me but when he knew that I might not stand up and see him off, he left the venue. The moment he exited the door, I don’t know what came on to me. I rushed after him. Stopped him and hugged him ferociously. He was confused for sometime but then returned the gesture, with equal ferocity filled with an emotion that I didn’t want to name.

            For those few minutes, I couldn’t help myself but compare. Whenever Aakash hugs me, I’m washed over by a strange sense of calmness, as if nothing can touch me. The love that his embrace emits, the safety that it provides is heaven abode. In Ranvir’s hug I wasn’t calm, there was a sense of comfort but nothing else, no safe abode. I found my voice and said, “Stay a little longer.”

            He broke the hug and looked at me. His eyes piercing in me but unlike Aakash’s gaze I wasn’t tempted to look away. He heaved a sigh and replied, “The day these words are meant for me, I’ll.” And he left. I don’t know how but he again realised it that those words were not a heartfelt plea but were uttered with an entirely different meaning.

            I turned around and found Misha waiting for me. She hugged me. Why? Because she was probably the only person who understood the dilemma I was going through. Dilemma of struggling with expectations… my expectations from Ranvir to be my friend, Ranvir’s expectations from me to be someone else, my expectations from Aakash to say things he rarely did and Aakash’s expectations from me to read in between the lines. Hand in hand Misha and I returned to the venue. My gang was waiting for us. We got the most beautiful memories clicked and suddenly a message beeped on my phone and it felt like Sun shone again and the night had come to an end.