The Heart Belonged to Me, Not the House

I got off the cab and the familiar anxiety and happiness gripped me. I checked into the hotel, and literally fell on the bed. I was about to close my eyes when I got a message with an address. I groaned and went to take a shower. The sight of the bathtub tempted me but as if the sender had sensed my thoughts, my phone beeped again. 'Be there in 30 min max.'

I felt like kicking my feet but honestly I didn't want to offend the sender. I quickly hopped into the shower got ready. The cab was already waiting for me and took me to the destination. The sight was beautiful. Admist the snow clad mountains there was a beautiful cottage, straight a sight from Yash Chopra movies. I was admiring the sight when the most chirpy voice fell in my ears.

 "Comeon, where are you looking? I have been calling you, but it seems like you have gone deaf."

This was Anirudh. Our relationship... slightly complicated, so let's try to decipher it during the story. One thing that was for sure that we never talked to each other in that lovey dovey way. Actually we just talked to each other like two dudes and honestly, it felt the most normal. 

"Come and let me show you the cottage," there was a sense of pride in his voice and why wouldn't it be there. Finally he had ticked his dream of having a cottage on Himalayas, Narkanda to be precise. A hot shot in his MNC, he was a character from William Wordsworth poem, someone who loved nature and his solitary attitude. 

I entered the cottage and honestly it was stunning. I knew he was waiting for my compliment but I wanted him to stew a bit in the wait. He showed me his study and it just blew me away. It was the way we had discussed. There was a big window right next it was a chair that I had always wanted. I sat on it and overlooked the mountains. I sighed and it made him smile. He knew my weakness. 

"Coffee or whisky?"

I laughed out loud. "Let me think." It was almost evening. The Sun was taking its leave and night was making its presence felt. I looked at him and he was looking at me intently. "Coffee."

He smiled and soon came with two cups. He handed me one cup and held out his hand to me. We saw the rest of the house. It was beautiful. I knew he had taste but seeing it in reality was amazing. What was overwhelming was that he not only had asked for my suggestions, but had incorporated them too. So, in some way even I had a hand in making his dream come to reality. Soon we came back to his study. The night had fallen and the mountains looked beautiful. It felt like million fireflies had lit up the mountains. I sipped my coffee and tried to remember  which poem would have suited the scene. 

I didn't even realise when I left the chair and sat on the rug. I could sense him sitting behind me, and my whole body relaxed. I sighed and just surrendered myself to him. His arms wrapped around me and somehow even with all the Literature in the world, I am never able to describe the feeling. How I feel when I am in his arms? What his slightest touch does to me? How I feel safe in all this? I just am loss of words.

Soon the touch was unbearable. I knew I had to kiss him. I just wanted to relive those moments again. A simple kiss turned to passionate and then needy one. Even though our lungs screamed for oxygen our bodies couldn't register it. After aeons we broke the kiss and I just flung my arms around him. This had always been my need. To hug him. Even though I had known him for years, yet I don't know why I have never been able to demand a hug for him. I hugged him again and he responded it with ferocity that showed me that his need for me wasn't any less. 

A sense of safety and calmness enveloped me. He made me sit with my back to his front so that we could look at the view while our arms were entwined. "Are you hungry?"

"Not really." He hugged me hard because he knew that my stomach was grumbling but just because I didn't want to break the hug, I lied. We stayed like this for a long time. We talked about the house, how and where he will go on trips once he gets shifted, pulled each other's leg and what not. Finally we both knew that we had to get back.

He bolted the house and we headed to a restaurant. Even though I hadn't eaten a morsel all day, still I was hungry. You can call it excitement of being with him or sadness for something. Soon we finished the dinner and we headed to our hotel. After such a tiring day, all I wanted was to soak myself in the bubble bath. I went inside the bathroom only to find him preparing a bath. I stripped myself and sat and looked at him longingly.

I don't know how we ended from the bathtub to the bedroom. "I love you Kiara," he said. I felt choked but all I could do was smile and tell him that I love him back. I don't know how simple three words from him, that we use infinite times in our life could have such immense effect on me. We ended up listening to songs that stirred emotions in us. Eventually we felt asleep while watching History Channel. Actually, he slept while I just pretended to sleep. His phone buzzed and I knew who the sender must be. Even though he was fast asleep, sleep had evaded my eyes. 

I opened the bar and poured myself the much needed drink. I wore his shirt and took a sip. Suddenly I felt a tear escape from my eye. I don't know if it was because of the whisky that burnt my throat or a realisation- his heart belonged to me, but not the house. 

I looked at him and he was sleeping peacefully, unaware of what I was feeling. His phone beeped again and from far away I could see a faint name with 'wife' written in front of it. I took the drink and gulped it in one go. In the background I played the song 'I have loved you for the last time, is it a video?' All the memories that we had played in front of me as if I was watching a film and the ending was- 'His heart belonged to me but not his house.' It belonged to his family, which I wasn't. With this I silently shed tears to what could have been and smiled to what is.