Wo humsafar tha...

"What the hell is this? Is this what you call a presentation? You have to present it in front of company's Vice President not submit it as a part of your project that you can use flowery templates and totally neglect the facts. Get lost before I throw you out myself," I screamed at my junior and she left the room sobbing. "God, I don't know how come these B-schools pass these naive creatures and even if they do what makes them think that I have opened some academy where they can come and learn things?" I talked at a high pitch with myself. Exhausted with the outburst I sat down on her seat and called Shankar Bhaiya, "1 cup coffee and make it sure it's the way I want."

            I started sorting out the files and was typing furiously on my laptop when Shankar Bhaiya came with coffee. He just kept the coffee mug on the table and left without a word. Seeing a lonely coffee mug I realised that Shankar bhaiya must be angry at my outburst otherwise my coffee was always accompanied with my favorite chocolate biscuits. I felt bad not because I yelled at my junior but because I yelled at Shankar Bhaiya who wasn't even at fault. I held my head in between my hands and wondered what was happening to me? From past few days I had become very cranky and get irritated at slightest provocations. Yesterday also I picked up a fight without any obvious reason and slept in a sulking mood. This has never happened with me earlier then what was wrong now? Before I could answer the question, my best friend entered the cabin. Sheena was the only one who didn't have to seek permission before entering my room. Even though I, Meera Rajput was Editor-in-chief of a fashion magazine and Sheena on the other hand was a manager, still we were best friends. Seeing Sheena entering the room, I knew that it was now my turn to be scolded. I pretended to look at my computer screen but Sheena knew me nicely enough.

            "Why the hell are you screaming at everyone?"

            I looked up from the screen and was ready with an answer. "Imagine what happened? I asked Trisha to make a powerpoint presentation regarding the sales of the magazine and what did I get? A pink color template with sales totally absent from the presentation and the figures mentioned weren't even cross checked. So, what do you expect from me? Am I suppose to do her work also?"

            Sheena didn't say a word and I knew that her interrogation wasn't over. "I wasn't asking about Trisha but what did Shankar Bhaiya do that you screamed at him?"

            I knew I was wrong and there wasn't anything wrong in it. "I'm sorry. I was so angry at Trisha that somehow I took out my anger on Shankar Bhaiya too." I closed the files lying in front of me and replied helplessly, "I'm tired. I can't do this anymore. These morons are eating up my life. I just want to run away for sometime. You know yesterday I fought at home also that too without any reason. I am sick and tired of all the nuisance people around me."

            Sheena scanned me for a while and before leaving my room she said, "Meera, I know you nicely enough. So, before you blame others for your erratic outbursts ask yourself what is the real reason behind them and from whom do you want to run away?"

            Sheena left but her words rang in my head. Rubbish! I was angry because my staff wasn't performing up to the mark and my bosses were after my life. Just few days back the graphic team designed the cover page in a way that would have led to the sales of the magazine hit the rock bottom. Before that... who was that guy? Oh Yeah! someone from the editor section who drafted the article in such a way that it could have sparked a legal notice for being too feminist. Before that also something happened. And Sheena has the guts to say that these things didn't matter at all. How could she say that? I picked up my bag and left. If I stayed in the office anymore I would set it ablaze and right now I just wanted to clear my head.

            It was February afternoon and the clouds had overcastted the sky. I clutched my coat and walked towards the parking spot. Seeing Kailash sitting in the car made me wrinkle my nose. I wanted to drive but just a few days back I was provided with a full time chauffeur because it was cited that Delhi isn't safe to drive. Reluctantly I sat in the car and told Kailash politely, "Take me to Cafe Lota." Without saying a word I started my journey to answer few questions.

            Once peacefully seated, I started revising my last few days. Was Sheena right? Was I really angry without any particular reason? I called her up and as if she was expecting my call she replied without even me asking any question. "Meera, its him you are angry on. Stop beating the bush and stop getting unnecessarily angry at people. Now you can start your introspection mode, I have work to do."

            I just stared at the phone for a while. Was Sheena right? Was really he the reason for my anger and disappointment? My coffee arrived and I looked at the mug for a long time. It was during my college time when I met Anirudh for the first time. My goal was set. I knew from the very beginning that I wanted to do my Masters in Mass Communication and then become either a writer or work in a publication house. Anirudh on the other hand wanted to work for Print Media and become world's best crime reporter. I still remember how I met him for the first time. It was also raining that day and I was getting late to my college. I got into an auto and just then Anirudh also boarded the same auto. "Hey mister, get out this is my auto." I spoke with irritation.

            He looked at me and smiled mischievously, "First of all it's not your auto and if it is your auto then this uncle has clearly stolen it and now he would take me to my destination."

            "Just get out, I am getting late for my college."

            "By the way it was a nice try telling me that you are a college student but right now I am really not interested as I have got an important class that I can't afford to miss but you can give me your number and I would surely catch up with you," he replied earnestly. I could have continued arguing with him for a long time had he not reminded me, "Listen, you are getting wet and if you are really keen on attending the college then let me warn you that you are in the process of becoming an eye candy for your fellow students. So, get into the auto without a word or be prepared to soak your clothes in rain.

            Seeing no other option, I hoped into the auto only to realize that we shared our destiny. Once my college came, without a second glance I got out from the auto and got lost in the crowd. However, I didn't get respite from him too soon. I noticed that he was in my class and we had most of the lectures together. Our regular banter got famous in the college in no time and before we knew I had proposed Anirudh that he had gladly accepted also.

            Within the matter of 2 years from enemies we became two people who were madly and irrevocably in love. As we shared common dreams, aspirations and likes the bond between us just grew stronger. Anirudh and I were very good in studies so we got great jobs and that too in the same city. It was then when the problems started. Soon the new city, new job and very old aspirations grew on us. We both got carried away in our respective races to fulfill our dreams.

            "Anirudh, what have you thought about our relationship?" I asked one fine day when my parental pressure increased to such an extent that I couldn't avoid it anymore.

            "Aren't we already in a relationship?" Anirudh answered me without even looking up from his computer screen.

            I don't know what came on to me but after listening to that particular answer I convinced myself that either this time I would get an answer from him or would walk out of the relationship. "Anirudh, I'm serious. My parents are after my life and now I've to take a step."

            Anirudh closed his computer and took my hands in his, "I love you Meera, there is no doubt about this but right now I just want to concentrate on my career. I have got a beautiful opportunity and I can be promoted to directly Editor-in-chief of the newspaper."

            "Is that all or are is there something else also?"

            It is great to know people whom you love but in our case the way we knew and understood each other at the back of our hands it always proved disastrous rather than fruitful. Hearing this Anirudh extracted his hands from mine and spoke, "You know me too well. Well apart from this my only concern is my parents. You know how conservative they are and you belonging to a different religion might be a problem for them." Seeing my hurt and pained expressions he spoke quickly, "Don't worry. We will work it out. I love you loads." Saying this he hugged me but somehow his hug didn't warm my insides like it always used to do. I remained awake for a long time and kept looking at Anirudh. Slowly and steadily I had fallen deep for him. I always used to ask him if he felt more than love for me and he always used to say that love in itself was a vast entity and there was no expression or emotion beyond love but accidentally I had stepped into a territory where I had surpassed the emotion of love a long time ago.

            The next day Anirudh left for his assignment and I left him. My feelings for Anirudh had reached at such a level that scared me. Before it got out of hand, I decided to leave him because I knew that he did love me but the place where my feelings for him have reached that would only hurt me. Back at my parents, I waited for his call and he did too but only to congratulate me on my wedding. My husband, Danish lived in Delhi and even though I dreaded the fact I ended up being in the same city from where once I left everything hoping never to return. I was offered the job of Editor-in-chief in a reputed magazine house that I finally took. So, finally I was back in the same city where I fell in love, celebrated the feeling of feeling something beyond love and then suffered the hurt of leaving it altogether. Danish proved to be an excellent husband and I realized that it was destiny's way to punish me. It gave me the most amazing husband but somehow made it sure that I wasn't able to love him deeply. I cared for him, loved him too but then he could never match up the standard that Anirudh had set. I loved Danish but far less than how much I loved or still love Anirudh.

            Three years had passed and I wasn't in contact with Anirudh anymore and everyday I hoped and prayed that at least it remained that way. However, my punishment wasn't over and out of the blue I slammed into Anirudh just like I did for the very first time. I was about to board metro when I heard my name in a familiar voice. Hearing the voice, one part of my brain convinced me to run away but the second part tried to convince me to get lost in his arms. Even though I wanted to run away still I made the biggest mistake of my life by looking at him. All the familiar emotions that I had somehow kept at a bay came face to face and now I had nowhere to run. Just like old days he stuffed me in his hug and I couldn't help but savor the familiar feeling. We had coffee and even though my brain screamed that I was stepping into a forbidden territory still I couldn't help myself from falling into the trap. Before I realized, I was meeting Anirudh almost every day after my work.

            "After I heard about your marriage, I got married too," he said while sipping his coffee but I knew his eyes were fixed on me.

            Had I been alone I would have got angry, might have even thrown the coffee mug but with him sitting just inches apart I don't know how but I maintained my cool. "That's great." This was all I could manage. He knew that my phrase was a lie so I didn't want to exaggerate my current lie to another level by saying congratulations also. "Do you think we should all meet someday?" he asked casually.

            I at times wondered if he was really dumb or did he say all these things just to get a reaction from me. This time I didn't mind whether people were sitting right next to me or not or whether I was within their earshot. "Yes, I think so we should all meet together and then we can share the details with our respective spouses how we used to spend time together. Oh Yes, we can also tell them about the holidays that we spent together and if they both won't mind we can indulge in some PDA in front of them too. Shouldn't we?" I slammed the table and the noise that it created even vibrated the insides of me but I was angry. Angry? Was I just angry at Anirudh for suggesting something stupid? Or was it something else also?

            I was angry... not at Anirudh but at myself and my inability to break all the ties and leave. I was angry because I knew I was doing wrong to Danish by still being in love with Anirudh but I couldn't stop myself. I was angry that Anirudh got married and nor once he tried to win me back but above of all I was angry that even knowing all this I didn't have the strength to get up and leave forever. That day I met the real me who was weak and too scared to do something right. Anirudh knew that he crossed the line and he apologized also but I was just lost in my thoughts. All the myriad emotions that I was feeling were making it difficult for me to breathe. Anyways, like always we spent time together where time again and again I realized that Anirudh still loved me but I wasn't able to shake the thought out of my mind that 3 years of long relationship didn't mean anything for him and rather than convincing me to get married to him, he got married to someone else. 

            With passage of time, our relationship became exactly the way it used to be. We used to chat endlessly with each other either through messages or calls. We used to get possessive about each other and demanded attention whenever other was busy but then unlike earlier times rather than coming home to each other we went to our respective partners who were waiting for us. I don't know about him but I was tired of living this lie. It seemed like I was living two lives. In one I was with Danish and in another I was with Anirudh and such was my helplessness that I couldn't chose any one life. Choosing Danish would mean losing Anirudh forever, and choosing Anirudh will give birth to questions like why was I leaving Danish? Wasn't he a good husband? And most dreadful question amongst all of these was would Anirudh be leaving his wife for me or not?

            Loving Anirudh made me feel the emotions that I never thought existed. Without even meeting his wife, I hated her from the core of my heart, and why shouldn't I hate her? She took away the person who belonged to me? But then whenever my sanity prevailed I felt like asking question to the Satan inside me that amidst all of this was she the victim or was I the one? I mean, she didn't even know that her husband has been lying to her and meeting his ex-girlfriend. So, what wrong did she do? Was her fault only this that she married Anirudh? Or was her fault was that unknowingly she took a place that belonged to me?

            I didn't realize that I was currently on my third cup of coffee. My phone beeped and the message was from Danish. 'I love you loads.' The message formed a lump in my throat. With tears in my eyes, I replied, 'I love you too.' Was it truth or was I just playing with his emotions? No, I did love him. So, if I loved Danish what did I feel for Anirudh? Things had messed up and probably I was the one who messed it up. I could have saved all of us from this misery. I could have stayed with Anirudh that night when he told me that our relationship had complications and could have tried to work on them. I could have pretended like I didn't hear him on that metro station and could have got lost in the crowd. I could have got up from the coffee house thousand and one times when he suggested any kind of arrangement that hurt me. I can leave now. With just a simple message that I can't do this anymore I can put an end to all of this and save myself from hurt and guilt.

            As if prepared to face the consequences I picked my phone from the table and started writing a message with shaking fingers. I had just written a line when I slammed the phone on the table. I just couldn't do it. I couldn't tell him to leave when I needed him badly. I ended up calling him and on the other side he replied in a surprised tone.

            "Hello?"

            "I want to meet you right now," I came straight to the point without extending any formalities.

            "Uh... I..."

            "Are you coming or not?" my voice was higher than I had expected.

            "Is there anything important?"

            "Just tell me yes or no?"

            "Meera... it would be a bit difficult as we are going for a vacation. How about I meet you once I came back and then..."

            I disconnected the phone before he even completed his sentence. I got my answer that I had been waiting for. I wiped off my tears and got up from the table. My phone was ringing continuously and without even looking at it I knew it was none other than Anirudh. This time I was sure that I wouldn't even pick up his phone so I let it ring as many times as it wanted to. It wasn't that out of nowhere I had stopped loving him. No matter how much I lie to myself I could never stop loving him but right now I knew I needed space from him. I messaged Danish that I would be meeting him outside his office in half an hour and his excited smiley made me laugh.

            "Kailash saahb ke office ki taraf lo," saying this fresh tears sprang in my eyes and this time I didn't do anything to stop them. They were tears of guilt that I felt while cheating on Danish and few were of realization that I somehow had lost Anirudh long ago only the fact made it presence feel now. I cried to my fullest till the time I was exhausted and there were no more tears left to shed. I knew that Kailash might have seen me in my vulnerable state but for the first time I didn't mind.

            I looked at my face and was about to get down from the car to greet Danish when I saw my phone blinking. There was message from Anirudh. 'I know you must be angry but we're not over. I mean it when I said I would see you once I come back so try not to vanish.'

            Probably my suffering had not ended at all. I knew Anirudh would return and this time also I won't be able to do anything. I looked out of the window and saw Danish coming towards me braving the bone cutting winds and I looked back at my cell and Anirudh's promise or I should say threat was present right in front of my eyes. I closed my eyes hoping for some divine answer but I didn't get any. Danish had entered the car by then and very shyly I shifted to my split personality and gave him a million dollar smile when I could howl. "Hey what's wrong?" he touched my face and I tried to persuade myself not to tell him anything.

            "Nothing was just listening to a song and it made me cry."

            Amused as ever on my lies he asked, "What was the lyrics?"

Ajeeb hoti hai Rah e Sukhan bhi dekh naseer

Wahan bhi aa gaye aakhir jaha rasai na thi...

            He tried to decipher the meaning of the verse but when he couldn't he just kissed my hand and started typing something on his mobile keypad. I looked out of the window. It was twilight and somehow it made me smile. Unknowingly I had cited the verse that is the story of my life. I stole a glance at Danish and then back at my phone. I closed my eyes. No matter how much I tried, the situation was going to remain this only and I couldn't do anything about it so why not just sleep over the issue and save my sanity? Suddenly the song started Wo humsafar tha... and my smile widened.