The Familiar Craving
I switched on the AC and got comfortably
seated on my plush chair. I was about to sip my coffee when my receptionist
told me that Vaneet was waiting for me. Hearing his name made me both sad as
well as angry. No matter how many times I tried to convince him that desires
won't take him anywhere, he just never paid any heed and ended up coming at my
doorstep. Today was again that day. I took my coffee cup and told my
receptionist to let him in.
He
had been to my room so many times that it wasn't new to him. I looked at his
face carefully and realized that he had baggy eyes. Probably he didn't sleep
last night and this time it looked like he had cried too. My heart choked but
my profession didn't give me the liberty to become emotional. He sat on the
couch as if he wanted support for survival.
"Vaneet,
what the hell is wrong with you?" My voice was more accusing than I had
intended it to be. However, I was a doctor and seeing my patient in misery made
me uncomfortable.
"I
couldn't sleep last night."
"And
please tell me why?"
"My
parents want me to marry Rohini, but how can I when I'm still in love with
Tamanna."
Damn!
Again the same thing. "Vaneet, listen to me carefully. Tamanna is not
going to come back. She is dead and you can't die with her. You are lucky that
Rohini loves you. Stop fretting about the past and say yes to her." I was
breathless but somehow my anger hadn't subsided. My eyes caught something and
then I was fuming. "What is in your hand?"
My
question caught him off guard. Vaneet tried to hide it but knew it was a futile
effort. "It... it is Tamanna's phone..."
"What?"
"I
wanted to hear her voice. I promise I'll keep it away from my reach but please
let it be with me for a day or two. Please..." The way he pleaded, it
brought tears to my eyes. I didn't say a word after that. I was astounded to
see that his life depended upon that inanimate object at that time. I nodded
and without a word he got up. Before leaving, he turned around and said,
"It's so strange na."
"What
is strange?" I questioned as if unable to understand him.
"The
craving. I mean I've heard the voice mail thousand times till now and it feels
like she is with me. However, the moment the voicemail ends, the sudden panic
attack is back again that she is lost in oblivion. You like my parents are
forcing me to start a new life and move on, but can anyone of you please tell
me what am I supposed to do about this craving?"
He
left leaving the atmosphere gloomy. Craving? Nonsense, there is no such thing.
Medical Sciences say that every craving can be let go of. After all haven't I
been practicing this only? In my 7 years of career as a psychiatrist, I have seen
people letting go of their cravings. Be it for a person, a relationship or even
abusive substances. So, why can't Vaneet? I thought for a while and reached on
a conclusion that Vaneet has fallen in love with his sadness and he himself
doesn't want to come out of it.
Feeling
satisfied I sipped my coffee and looked at my mobile. It wasn't blinking but
still I didn't trust the technology completely so I picked up my mobile and
checked thoroughly if there had been any message or call. There wasn't any.
Feeling disappointed, I kept it back from where I had picked it and went back
to my work. After exact 10 minutes, out of habit, with my eyes still fixed on
computer screen, I checked my cell again to see if there was any activity that
I might have missed but again got the same answer. It was when I repeated the
act 5 more times, I realized what the hell was I doing. I was myself a victim
of a craving.
"Asmita,
your next appointment isn't for next two hours. So, I've just come to remind
you that you are supposed to work on your paper for the conference. Plus, I'm
getting myself a sub sandwich, shall I order for you also? The usual Veg
Shammi?" my overenthusiastic, silly but amazing receptionist asked from
the door itself. I don't know whether I was still thinking about something or
was just lazy to reply that I just nod my head. I opened the document of my
international paper but the moment I looked at the phone again, I realized that
I needed to sort this complication first.
As
already intimated, my name is Asmita and I'm a psychiatrist. Delhi has been my
home for forever. The day my mother died (I was 15 at that time) my father
remarried and I left his house forever. At first the reason was my studies in
the boarding school, then the excuse changed to busy schedule and now after 17
years none of us need a reason. My father like me has got used to the fact that
his daughter might not ever visit him again. Every now and then we talk on the
phone but the conversation doesn't reflect that we're related to each other by
blood, but it is just a sort of formality.
I
always had fascination about human feelings, so psychiatry was the best career
option for me. So, now I'm a renowned psychiatrist having a clinic of my own in
a posh location. I checked my phone again and this time angry at my own self, I
left the comfort of my plush chair and lied down on the couch. Damn! since when
did I fall into the trap of craving? Before I could answer that as if on the
cue my mind gave me the date and time. It was exactly a year and few days ago
that I met the reason of my craving: Ronit.
As
usual I was sitting in my office and was waiting for Ms Madhumita Gosh for her
regular interaction when my receptionist informed me that there is a person
waiting for me outside and he wants to meet me without appointment.
"Sneha,
tell him that I don't entertain people without prior appointments. Plus Ms.
Madhumita is about to enter anytime and if she saw someone else taking her
time, she would blast." I replied without looking up from my desk. I felt
as if I was being surveyed by a pair of eyes. Surprised, I looked up and saw
him sitting right in front of me. He looked shabby. If I say it in Delhi
language he looked chiii... I mean he had no dress sense. He was wearing a
baggy jeans that was actually hanging on him. His t-shirt, God! it looked like
it hadn't been washed for a long time and one look at his extended beard made
it visible that the concept of a barber was alien to him. "Excuse me who
are you? And how may I help you?" I
asked in an annoyed manner.
"Well,
I just want to have a word with you. Trust me I'll be quick."
If
I was surprised seeing him speaking English, I surely didn't let it show on my
face. "Sorry. I'm waiting for a client. You can get an appointment from
the reception and then we can talk."
"Your
enthusiastic receptionist told me that the client isn't expected for another
half an hour and my work would be done maximum in 10 minutes. So can we please?
It's matter of life and death."
I
was worried. Not because he wanted to talk about something that was a matter of
life and death for him but for my couch. I had recently got the cover changed
and the thought of it being dust infected was enough to make me to cringe.
Still, I don't know what came on to me and I signaled him to sit on the couch.
"Do you think it's weird for a guy to leave his job that is fetching him
35LPA and become a struggler fashion photographer?"
"May
I please know who is that guy?"
"It’s
me." The way he spoke it I laughed for a second but then bit my tongue.
Shit! He was serious. 35LPA and he looks like this? I cleared my throat and
spoke, "Hmmm... see you have to think about..."
"Not
the gyaan...," he craned his neck to see my name plate on the table and
then as if deciding to do the opposite he said, "doc, I just need a simple
yes or no."
"It's
not easy to answer that."
"It
is just say yes or no?" he smiled and I couldn't help but look at him.
Even in his shabby state he demanded a serious attitude like he was a no
nonsense kind of guy. He had a determination in his eyes that I clearly found
missing in people. "No, it is not weird." It's not like this that
this was the answer that I wanted to give to him but I knew the other answer
won't faze him from what he had already decided. With a smile on his face he
got up from the couch "Thanx a ton Doc." He searched his pockets and
made a face. "It feels I kind of have left my wallet at my place so in
return of the session, dinner is on me."
Yeah
right. I smiled and replied, "it's okay I don't need it. But next time you
better get an appointment." I gestured him to leave but he went to my desk
and picked up my card.
"Sorry
Doc, you have to come on dinner with me. I don't like unfinished
business."
He
left just like he came. Before leaving the room he told me that his name was
Ronit. I had almost forgotten about the incident when suddenly one day my phone
rang and Ronit invited me to dinner. I declined the offer at least 15 times but
in the end I had to agree to get done with this once in for all.
Ronit...
he was a strange but a determined guy. Frankly before reaching, I was still
expecting the shabby and uncleaned version of him but he startled me. He looked
not only presentable but kind of sexy too in a different way. His hair was
still a bit long but they were nicely tied up and his beard was also trimmed.
That night we talked for hours. I thanked him for the dinner but had no idea
that it was the first one for many more to come.
After
that I started meeting him often. His excuses to take me out for dinner or
coffee changed from one thing to another. At times he wanted to give me a treat
for bagging a project, the other time he wanted to talk as he felt depressed
for leaving his job and entering into the world of uncertainty. Frankly
speaking, I started getting drawn towards him. Even though he was 3 years
younger to me still it looked like he was the one who was mature amongst us. He
used to say exactly what the situation demanded, the way he flipped from buoyant
side to serious one was amazing. I could have given this admiration the name of
attraction had I not been surprised by my answer on that very evening.
After
his fashion show we had gone for dinner when suddenly a question popped up,
"I can't do this anymore." Before I could decipher what he meant he
continued, "These coffee dates, dinners and at times lunches are not
enough. So, I am going to give you an option. Either you come and start living
with me in one bedroom flat or I will start living with you."
I
was stunned. The ease with which he had said it was admiring as well as scary.
I don't know how but I ended up inviting him at my place and since then we started
living together. If I look back and think what a 27 year old guy was doing with
a 30 year old me, I had no idea. Was it love? Nope, I don't think so. I liked
him fervently but it couldn't be termed as love. However, slowly and steadily
he touched even those parts of my life that I had never showed to anyone.
I
stood up in desperation and checked my phone again. There was no activity. Filled
with anger I banged my phone and started looking out of the window. What seemed
as a non threatening invitation is now enough to scare the daylights of me. I
realized that I had started missing him and that's not all. I HAD STARTED
CRAVING FOR HIM.
But
how could this be possible? My field says that every craving can be let go off
then why letting go of him is so difficult? I looked at my phone and wanted to
pick it up but I caressed my fingers as if I was soothing after they had got
burnt. Why was I waiting for his messages or phone call? He was out of India
and was shooting a fashion show so it is obvious that he must be busy then why
my mind is not able to register this simple logic? Why despite of knowing the
facts, I was not able to control these unnecessary feelings of anger,
disappointment and sadness?
I
started looking for some divinity in my books but suddenly as if my mind
registered that what stupid act I was performing the anger changed into
helplessness. Today I, Asmita, a famous psychiatrist whose opinion mattered to
people, who easily helped others see a totally different perspective was
herself waiting for some divinity. Why was I not able to solve my problem when
everyday I help others to see a silver lining in their cloud? Why a message or
a phone call mean so much to me as if my life depended on it?
I
introspected for some time and realized that there was a void in my life that
Ronit filled. From the past 17 years, I had been coming back to an empty room
but since Ronit had moved in with me it felt nice to go back home. The long
hours conversations were filled with both meaningful as well as meaningless
talks. It was Ronit who encouraged me to buy a home of my own and it was me who
kept tabs on various shows in which he can showcase his talent. From friends we
became each other's confidantes. At times whenever I missed my mother or felt
angry at my father for leaving me alone and choosing somebody else over me, it
was his hug's warmth that calmed me. Our relationship wasn't a fairy tale one.
We fought and argued like hell with each other but then we knew that one person
or another would convince us to stay and sort things out.
During
our 1 year of living in together even though our relationship wasn't defined
still we had started exercising possessiveness over each other. It felt nice to
have someone on the speed dial. It's not like the life started and ended with
him but it felt nice to share it with someone. Getting lost far from the
maddening crowd with him soothed me. And somehow I'd developed a craving for
this. A never ending and never satisfying craving and right now when he was not
with me I was missing that and craving for it.
I
looked at the watch and realized that only few minutes were left before I was
going to have my client. I looked at the watch again and frowned. Thank God in
few minutes I would have work to do and can stop thinking about this nonsense topic.
I
opened the doc file and was about to write my paper when my phone rang. Without
even caring to look, I picked the call. "Hello..."
"I
know you would be busy but I don't care. I just wanted to talk to you."
I
looked at the mobile screen as if I didn't believe my ears. It was none other
than Ronit. As my prayers were answered, I reclined my head on the chair. He
called. He did call. I wanted to scream and enjoy but I kept a check on my
emotions. "Ofcourse, what would I be doing at this time? So, how is the
show going?"
"Doc,"
he paused for a while and laughed as if he had sensed my frown, "just shut
up and talk about something else."
Sneha
peeked in my room and I gestured her to wait. "Yes, tell me."
"I'm
missing you a lot. I wish you had been here." He said it in one go and I
couldn't help myself but just bathed in the warmth of the sentence. I wanted to
tell him that I missed him too but didn't. I didn't trust myself that my tongue
would stop just at saying miss you too.
"When
are you coming back?" I tried to hide the swelling delight.
"My
flight is day after tomorrow and I would be reaching late at night."
"Nice."
As if waiting for me to say something and realizing that I won't he continued,
"Asmi..."
"Yes..."
"I'm
serious when I say that I'm missing you and now that we have been away for
quite a long period of time, I want to celebrate my success with you. Pack your
bags and we would be leaving the moment I reach Delhi."
I
started laughing and asked, "What about clinic?"
"I
think your clients can survive without you for few days but right now I just
want all your time to be mine."
"Where
do you want to go?"
"I
don't know. I just know we're going."
"Okay."
I ordered him to go to sleep as it was quite late there. With few more
comforting words he disconnected the phone. There was still five minutes to go
before my next client was expected. I ended up calling someone. "Vaneet,
I'm sorry I didn't try to understand what you were saying. Yes I know what it
is to like to crave someone. Now I perfectly understand what do you mean. It's
okay and there is no need to let go of the craving but at the same time you're
not supposed to let go of life also. Talk to Rohini and make her understand why
you still crave for Tamanna. If she is ready to accept you with it then give
her and yourself a chance. And you're not supposed to do anything about your
craving. It is a part of you now and nobody can take it away from you. If you
need me contact me anytime." I kept the phone but on the other end I could
feel a smile. I was smiling too. Whenever cravings are fulfilled life feels
beautiful and with fingers crossed I started waiting for day after tomorrow.
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ReplyDeleteAwesome Deepali...I really liked it....and this is truth of life ....u want to give yourself a space but one should remember that we should not allow it to become a void...
ReplyDeleteOne of the lessons I have learned in life is....express yourself....speak up or later you will just be asking a question to yourself....what if....I had...
Kudos young girl.....very well written.
Congratulations....keep it up ...my budding writer
Awesome Deepali...I really liked it....and this is truth of life ....u want to give yourself a space but one should remember that we should not allow it to become a void...
ReplyDeleteOne of the lessons I have learned in life is....express yourself....speak up or later you will just be asking a question to yourself....what if....I had...
Kudos young girl.....very well written.
Congratulations....keep it up ...my budding writer
Thank u thank u and thank u mam...
Deleteamazing read babe..i kind of wait for your stories..pen a book of short stories. these love shots are a balm in long work filled days.. and please be frequent with these amazing pieces
ReplyDeleteThank you so much..m well I will surely try to be frequent with my posts...
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