The Familiar Craving

I switched on the AC and got comfortably seated on my plush chair. I was about to sip my coffee when my receptionist told me that Vaneet was waiting for me. Hearing his name made me both sad as well as angry. No matter how many times I tried to convince him that desires won't take him anywhere, he just never paid any heed and ended up coming at my doorstep. Today was again that day. I took my coffee cup and told my receptionist to let him in.

            He had been to my room so many times that it wasn't new to him. I looked at his face carefully and realized that he had baggy eyes. Probably he didn't sleep last night and this time it looked like he had cried too. My heart choked but my profession didn't give me the liberty to become emotional. He sat on the couch as if he wanted support for survival.

            "Vaneet, what the hell is wrong with you?" My voice was more accusing than I had intended it to be. However, I was a doctor and seeing my patient in misery made me uncomfortable.

            "I couldn't sleep last night."

            "And please tell me why?"

            "My parents want me to marry Rohini, but how can I when I'm still in love with Tamanna."

            Damn! Again the same thing. "Vaneet, listen to me carefully. Tamanna is not going to come back. She is dead and you can't die with her. You are lucky that Rohini loves you. Stop fretting about the past and say yes to her." I was breathless but somehow my anger hadn't subsided. My eyes caught something and then I was fuming. "What is in your hand?"

            My question caught him off guard. Vaneet tried to hide it but knew it was a futile effort. "It... it is Tamanna's phone..."

            "What?"

            "I wanted to hear her voice. I promise I'll keep it away from my reach but please let it be with me for a day or two. Please..." The way he pleaded, it brought tears to my eyes. I didn't say a word after that. I was astounded to see that his life depended upon that inanimate object at that time. I nodded and without a word he got up. Before leaving, he turned around and said, "It's so strange na."

            "What is strange?" I questioned as if unable to understand him.

            "The craving. I mean I've heard the voice mail thousand times till now and it feels like she is with me. However, the moment the voicemail ends, the sudden panic attack is back again that she is lost in oblivion. You like my parents are forcing me to start a new life and move on, but can anyone of you please tell me what am I supposed to do about this craving?"

            He left leaving the atmosphere gloomy. Craving? Nonsense, there is no such thing. Medical Sciences say that every craving can be let go of. After all haven't I been practicing this only? In my 7 years of career as a psychiatrist, I have seen people letting go of their cravings. Be it for a person, a relationship or even abusive substances. So, why can't Vaneet? I thought for a while and reached on a conclusion that Vaneet has fallen in love with his sadness and he himself doesn't want to come out of it.

            Feeling satisfied I sipped my coffee and looked at my mobile. It wasn't blinking but still I didn't trust the technology completely so I picked up my mobile and checked thoroughly if there had been any message or call. There wasn't any. Feeling disappointed, I kept it back from where I had picked it and went back to my work. After exact 10 minutes, out of habit, with my eyes still fixed on computer screen, I checked my cell again to see if there was any activity that I might have missed but again got the same answer. It was when I repeated the act 5 more times, I realized what the hell was I doing. I was myself a victim of a craving.

            "Asmita, your next appointment isn't for next two hours. So, I've just come to remind you that you are supposed to work on your paper for the conference. Plus, I'm getting myself a sub sandwich, shall I order for you also? The usual Veg Shammi?" my overenthusiastic, silly but amazing receptionist asked from the door itself. I don't know whether I was still thinking about something or was just lazy to reply that I just nod my head. I opened the document of my international paper but the moment I looked at the phone again, I realized that I needed to sort this complication first.

            As already intimated, my name is Asmita and I'm a psychiatrist. Delhi has been my home for forever. The day my mother died (I was 15 at that time) my father remarried and I left his house forever. At first the reason was my studies in the boarding school, then the excuse changed to busy schedule and now after 17 years none of us need a reason. My father like me has got used to the fact that his daughter might not ever visit him again. Every now and then we talk on the phone but the conversation doesn't reflect that we're related to each other by blood, but it is just a sort of formality.

            I always had fascination about human feelings, so psychiatry was the best career option for me. So, now I'm a renowned psychiatrist having a clinic of my own in a posh location. I checked my phone again and this time angry at my own self, I left the comfort of my plush chair and lied down on the couch. Damn! since when did I fall into the trap of craving? Before I could answer that as if on the cue my mind gave me the date and time. It was exactly a year and few days ago that I met the reason of my craving: Ronit.

            As usual I was sitting in my office and was waiting for Ms Madhumita Gosh for her regular interaction when my receptionist informed me that there is a person waiting for me outside and he wants to meet me without appointment.

            "Sneha, tell him that I don't entertain people without prior appointments. Plus Ms. Madhumita is about to enter anytime and if she saw someone else taking her time, she would blast." I replied without looking up from my desk. I felt as if I was being surveyed by a pair of eyes. Surprised, I looked up and saw him sitting right in front of me. He looked shabby. If I say it in Delhi language he looked chiii... I mean he had no dress sense. He was wearing a baggy jeans that was actually hanging on him. His t-shirt, God! it looked like it hadn't been washed for a long time and one look at his extended beard made it visible that the concept of a barber was alien to him. "Excuse me who are you? And how may I  help you?" I asked in an annoyed manner.

            "Well, I just want to have a word with you. Trust me I'll be quick."

            If I was surprised seeing him speaking English, I surely didn't let it show on my face. "Sorry. I'm waiting for a client. You can get an appointment from the reception and then we can talk."

            "Your enthusiastic receptionist told me that the client isn't expected for another half an hour and my work would be done maximum in 10 minutes. So can we please? It's matter of life and death."

            I was worried. Not because he wanted to talk about something that was a matter of life and death for him but for my couch. I had recently got the cover changed and the thought of it being dust infected was enough to make me to cringe. Still, I don't know what came on to me and I signaled him to sit on the couch. "Do you think it's weird for a guy to leave his job that is fetching him 35LPA and become a struggler fashion photographer?"

            "May I please know who is that guy?"

            "It’s me." The way he spoke it I laughed for a second but then bit my tongue. Shit! He was serious. 35LPA and he looks like this? I cleared my throat and spoke, "Hmmm... see you have to think about..."

            "Not the gyaan...," he craned his neck to see my name plate on the table and then as if deciding to do the opposite he said, "doc, I just need a simple yes or no."

            "It's not easy to answer that."

            "It is just say yes or no?" he smiled and I couldn't help but look at him. Even in his shabby state he demanded a serious attitude like he was a no nonsense kind of guy. He had a determination in his eyes that I clearly found missing in people. "No, it is not weird." It's not like this that this was the answer that I wanted to give to him but I knew the other answer won't faze him from what he had already decided. With a smile on his face he got up from the couch "Thanx a ton Doc." He searched his pockets and made a face. "It feels I kind of have left my wallet at my place so in return of the session, dinner is on me."

            Yeah right. I smiled and replied, "it's okay I don't need it. But next time you better get an appointment." I gestured him to leave but he went to my desk and picked up my card.

            "Sorry Doc, you have to come on dinner with me. I don't like unfinished business."

            He left just like he came. Before leaving the room he told me that his name was Ronit. I had almost forgotten about the incident when suddenly one day my phone rang and Ronit invited me to dinner. I declined the offer at least 15 times but in the end I had to agree to get done with this once in for all.

            Ronit... he was a strange but a determined guy. Frankly before reaching, I was still expecting the shabby and uncleaned version of him but he startled me. He looked not only presentable but kind of sexy too in a different way. His hair was still a bit long but they were nicely tied up and his beard was also trimmed. That night we talked for hours. I thanked him for the dinner but had no idea that it was the first one for many more to come.

            After that I started meeting him often. His excuses to take me out for dinner or coffee changed from one thing to another. At times he wanted to give me a treat for bagging a project, the other time he wanted to talk as he felt depressed for leaving his job and entering into the world of uncertainty. Frankly speaking, I started getting drawn towards him. Even though he was 3 years younger to me still it looked like he was the one who was mature amongst us. He used to say exactly what the situation demanded, the way he flipped from buoyant side to serious one was amazing. I could have given this admiration the name of attraction had I not been surprised by my answer on that very evening.

            After his fashion show we had gone for dinner when suddenly a question popped up, "I can't do this anymore." Before I could decipher what he meant he continued, "These coffee dates, dinners and at times lunches are not enough. So, I am going to give you an option. Either you come and start living with me in one bedroom flat or I will start living with you."

            I was stunned. The ease with which he had said it was admiring as well as scary. I don't know how but I ended up inviting him at my place and since then we started living together. If I look back and think what a 27 year old guy was doing with a 30 year old me, I had no idea. Was it love? Nope, I don't think so. I liked him fervently but it couldn't be termed as love. However, slowly and steadily he touched even those parts of my life that I had never showed to anyone.

            I stood up in desperation and checked my phone again. There was no activity. Filled with anger I banged my phone and started looking out of the window. What seemed as a non threatening invitation is now enough to scare the daylights of me. I realized that I had started missing him and that's not all. I HAD STARTED CRAVING FOR HIM.

            But how could this be possible? My field says that every craving can be let go off then why letting go of him is so difficult? I looked at my phone and wanted to pick it up but I caressed my fingers as if I was soothing after they had got burnt. Why was I waiting for his messages or phone call? He was out of India and was shooting a fashion show so it is obvious that he must be busy then why my mind is not able to register this simple logic? Why despite of knowing the facts, I was not able to control these unnecessary feelings of anger, disappointment and sadness?

            I started looking for some divinity in my books but suddenly as if my mind registered that what stupid act I was performing the anger changed into helplessness. Today I, Asmita, a famous psychiatrist whose opinion mattered to people, who easily helped others see a totally different perspective was herself waiting for some divinity. Why was I not able to solve my problem when everyday I help others to see a silver lining in their cloud? Why a message or a phone call mean so much to me as if my life depended on it?

            I introspected for some time and realized that there was a void in my life that Ronit filled. From the past 17 years, I had been coming back to an empty room but since Ronit had moved in with me it felt nice to go back home. The long hours conversations were filled with both meaningful as well as meaningless talks. It was Ronit who encouraged me to buy a home of my own and it was me who kept tabs on various shows in which he can showcase his talent. From friends we became each other's confidantes. At times whenever I missed my mother or felt angry at my father for leaving me alone and choosing somebody else over me, it was his hug's warmth that calmed me. Our relationship wasn't a fairy tale one. We fought and argued like hell with each other but then we knew that one person or another would convince us to stay and sort things out.

            During our 1 year of living in together even though our relationship wasn't defined still we had started exercising possessiveness over each other. It felt nice to have someone on the speed dial. It's not like the life started and ended with him but it felt nice to share it with someone. Getting lost far from the maddening crowd with him soothed me. And somehow I'd developed a craving for this. A never ending and never satisfying craving and right now when he was not with me I was missing that and craving for it.

            I looked at the watch and realized that only few minutes were left before I was going to have my client. I looked at the watch again and frowned. Thank God in few minutes I would have work to do and can stop thinking about this nonsense topic.

            I opened the doc file and was about to write my paper when my phone rang. Without even caring to look, I picked the call. "Hello..."

            "I know you would be busy but I don't care. I just wanted to talk to you."

            I looked at the mobile screen as if I didn't believe my ears. It was none other than Ronit. As my prayers were answered, I reclined my head on the chair. He called. He did call. I wanted to scream and enjoy but I kept a check on my emotions. "Ofcourse, what would I be doing at this time? So, how is the show going?"

            "Doc," he paused for a while and laughed as if he had sensed my frown, "just shut up and talk about something else."

            Sneha peeked in my room and I gestured her to wait. "Yes, tell me."

            "I'm missing you a lot. I wish you had been here." He said it in one go and I couldn't help myself but just bathed in the warmth of the sentence. I wanted to tell him that I missed him too but didn't. I didn't trust myself that my tongue would stop just at saying miss you too.

            "When are you coming back?" I tried to hide the swelling delight.

            "My flight is day after tomorrow and I would be reaching late at night."

            "Nice." As if waiting for me to say something and realizing that I won't he continued, "Asmi..."

            "Yes..."

            "I'm serious when I say that I'm missing you and now that we have been away for quite a long period of time, I want to celebrate my success with you. Pack your bags and we would be leaving the moment I reach Delhi."

            I started laughing and asked, "What about clinic?"

            "I think your clients can survive without you for few days but right now I just want all your time to be mine."

            "Where do you want to go?"

            "I don't know. I just know we're going."

            "Okay." I ordered him to go to sleep as it was quite late there. With few more comforting words he disconnected the phone. There was still five minutes to go before my next client was expected. I ended up calling someone. "Vaneet, I'm sorry I didn't try to understand what you were saying. Yes I know what it is to like to crave someone. Now I perfectly understand what do you mean. It's okay and there is no need to let go of the craving but at the same time you're not supposed to let go of life also. Talk to Rohini and make her understand why you still crave for Tamanna. If she is ready to accept you with it then give her and yourself a chance. And you're not supposed to do anything about your craving. It is a part of you now and nobody can take it away from you. If you need me contact me anytime." I kept the phone but on the other end I could feel a smile. I was smiling too. Whenever cravings are fulfilled life feels beautiful and with fingers crossed I started waiting for day after tomorrow.