What the heart desires

I woke up as the sound of raindrops crashing on the ground filled my room. It was such a beautiful sight. The Sun was yet to mark its presence but the lights brightened up the whole scene. It was raining hard and yet I could make the outline of magnificent mountains in front of me. I got out of the bed. Strangely, this time I didn't have to free myself from a grip. Ved was sleeping in the same bed however there was a distance in between us. I know from past few days I was overthinking, but the distance on the bed made me think if the distance in between us has started to show too. I wrapped myself in a shawl and decided to sit in the balcony of our stunning hotel. 

It was still dark. Honestly in times like this I wanted to treat myself with a strong drink but I decided to give cigarette a try. I am still trying to feel that one moment wherein the cigarette relives me of the stress that I am going through but hasn't happened till now. Yet, I haven't given up. I lit my cigarette and decided to ponder what my next step would be. 

I am Kimaya and it's been an age that Ved and I have been together. Due to various circumstances we haven't been able to be together in the sense that would be approved by the society, yet we are still together. I think. Every now and then when the work gets the best of us, we decide to unwind by taking a trip together. Even though we live in the same city, yet it was a joint decision that we won't be living together. We catch up over weekends and weekdays thanks to the precious mobile, we know everything about each other.

The clouds thundered and honestly it jolted me a bit. I wanted to go inside the room and snuggle closely to Ved but honestly my heart didn't want that. I snuggled myself and decided to continue my journey.

Everything had been great. We both have awesome and well paying jobs. The love and need for each other that we had/have never felt less. And more importantly at least he has been my best friend. I can't be sure about him though. Then what happened? Where did this gap come from? And from gap I didn't mean physical but mental maybe. We have always been happy with silence, but talking about others while we were together was happening for the first time.

Now you all must be wondering that we might fall in the category of mollycoddling couple who just talk about each other. That had never been the case. It was like that even when we were together the focus wasn't is, but someone else. And about the someone, let your imagination run wild. 

My feet started freezing. I went inside and saw Ved sleeping. He was frowning. I wanted to wake him up and ask him what happened but I decided not to. I made myself a cup of tea and was about to go when I felt his phone vibrating. I went out and started enjoying my tea. It was still raining cats and dogs. "What do you want to do?" I found myself asking. I knew that somewhere deep down inside we were drifting apart however, it won't be sudden as our need and love for each other has been way too much. Or maybe there won't be any break but we weren't going to be with each other 100%. Some part maybe 0.0001% would be missing.

I looked at him. He was still sleeping. I knew that my heart wanted him badly but at the same time over the years my heart had started desiring to be someone's priority not a slot that can be easily taken over by someone. 

The night was taken over by the light but it still poured heavily. Unlike night, now I could see everything yet at the same time everything was a blur due to the rain. Similarly to what I was feeling. I knew that there was a crack coming up and even if we fill it the mark will always be there and I can't overlook it. 

Ved was up too. He murmured good morning to me and got a similar reply. He took his phone and started scrolling it. I kept my cup on the table and changed into my gym wear. From the corner of his eye I could see that he was looking at me keenly but didn't say a word and kept on frowning. I knew it was the distance in between us that was now smirking at us. 

After changing I went to the bed and took his hand and made him stand up. Without any warning, I wrapped my arms around him and he fiercely hugged me too. Was the hug enough for both of us? Maybe or maybe not. We broke the hug and I said, "I'm going to the gym."

He smiled and I made my way to the door. I closed the door behind me. I had no idea of I would enter from the same door again or not. Afterall what the heart desires, it desires and right now what it desired wasn't what was provided to me in that room.