Demons of the Past

I felt hot. On opening my eyes, I realised that Raunak was clung to me as a creeper. Ironical it was. I always thought that I was his creeper. People needed air to breathe, but I needed Raunak whenever I wanted calm and peace in my ultra-busy life. I smiled inwardly. My throat felt parched. I wonder if it was because of the fact that Raunak had not left even an ounce of space for me to breathe or was it because just few hours ago we had a torrid and inexpressible need for each other. With a lot of care, I got out of his grip. I came out of the duvet and Ooty’s chilled air greeted me. I looked out for my dress, which we had mercilessly discarded few hours ago. My eyes were fixed on Raunak’s shirt. I slipped it on. Not because I was ashamed of my nakedness, but because of the century old preaching that one should never be comfortable with their skin.

Raunak’s shirt was barely able to cover me, but then in the wilderness of Ooty; I wasn’t afraid that someone would spot me. I came out of the cottage that was aesthetically nestled in the woods and sat on the stairs. I looked at my phone. The watch showed 3:15 am and thankfully there were no messages or calls from the office. But then I think the place where we were staying would have any cell phone tower. The chill welcomed me. I pondered whether to have coffee or whiskey. Then decided to have coffee with Raunak and zeroed on whiskey.

I had taken just a swig when I realised someone standing behind me. I smiled again. No matter what, Raunak always found me. Like me even Raunak wasn’t ashamed of his skin. He sat behind me and wrapped me in the duvet. He lit his joint and said, “It’s too early for whiskey, don’t you think?” I looked at him and kissed him. It was my way of saying, “Let’s not go there sweetheart.” I adjusted myself nicely so that our skin could have the much needed contact. Raunak, as if hearing my mind, pulled out the shirt and adjusted the duvet in such a way that my hand was free to grab my whiskey glass. I took a swig and he wrapped me in his arms so tightly that even if Satan himself came down to take my soul away, Raunak’s grip wouldn’t let him achieve the satisfaction.

“Relax, a whiskey swig isn’t as harmful as your joint puffs.” I nuzzled my head against his neck and it was his cue to kiss my hair, just the way I liked it. I liked it with Raunak. We didn’t have to talk all the time. Our silences completed us. It was with him, that silence didn’t bother me, that I wasn’t afraid to keep on doing one thing or another. With him I could be me, broken, shattered, scarred yet confident. I met Raunak through a social media portal and mind it, it wasn’t a dating website. At first it was mutual admiration towards each other. We both being artists could relate to each other on a different platform. From admiration, the bond became attraction and then an unsaid need. The strange thing about us is that we love each other in a completely different way. We don’t meet daily, we don’t talk daily; but still we’re dependent on each other. Even though we’re single, still living together isn’t what we ever could think of. Not because we would drive each other crazy, but because we love ourselves as well as our independence so much that right now we’re not ready to give it up. So, what are we? Friends with benefits? I don’t think so, because we do love each other. Lovers? Hell No! It is difficult to fathom and make others understand, so frankly we don’t even try. All we know is, we run to each other when we’re tired of everyone around us. Now it is up to you what you want to call it.

I took the joint from Raunak and took a puff. I know it was a futile effort, and I know seeing me mouthfag, Raunak must have muttered a curse. Raunak and I met each other at a very confusing time of our life. I was going through an emotional turmoil. Even though everyone thought that I was keeping myself above the surface, it was only I who knew that I had lost the will of swimming in the ocean. It was only when I saw that a fellow swimmer was also about to give up on survival, I mustered the courage to stay afloat. Were we both suicidal? Not at all. We’re just tired and it was when we found each other and within no time we became each other’s pillar of strength.

Raunak’s joint had finished and I could feel his hands on me. It made me moan slightly. Even though I was tempted to lose myself in him once again, I just wanted a small trip back to the memory lane. Heading the Editorial Dept. of a prestigious magazine house, life was hectic as well as exciting. My loss (let me give you a free rein to decide what loss I’m talking about) had made me a fiercely independent girl and there was no place of mushy love in my life. All I was looking was for a person on whom I could rely upon. Raunak filled that void beautifully. It was nice to have someone, yet not feel the pressure of making his/her everyday special. We were both allowed to scream at each other and even not pick up the calls because the other person was busy.

“What’s the plan for today?” I asked while I slyly cupped his hand. I could sense that he was smiling. “There is that trek I told you about yesterday that I want us to do. After that whatever you decide.” I liked the autonomy that we both had in this relationship. We were both quiet. I know like me, he was also on his memory trip. I held him fiercely. Not because I was jealous, but because I loved the freedom that we could be together yet far away from each other and after a point of time, we came back.

It was during times like these that I let my mind wander off to Angad. The only man I loved (love, don’t know) for the longest. However, I don’t think or wish he was with me. We both were wrong for each other. We just realised this after a pretty long period of time. So, in one way or another I’m glad that we’re no longer together and neither had we left any way of turning back to each other. However, still at times when I’m lonely I try to think what actually happened. Did we stop loving each other or we realised that we both were just scared to be lonely that’s why we’re together? Angad and I, well, we really loved each other. But then with the passage of time, things changed. How and why? I still haven’t been able to answer them. But suddenly we were yelling at each other, slamming doors and somehow magnifying each other flaws as if we’re trying to give each other reasons that this relationship wasn’t going to work.

So, we both decided that before we end up losing our minds, we should get out of the toxic relationship. However, when one is in love and has been with each other over a decade, a mutual breakup seems unimaginable. We didn’t want our addiction to surface again. As they say:

‘Any man can stay sober in the desert, but only a loyal man can sit in the oasis and refuse to part his lips.’

So as we belonged to the same city and maybe we might cross each other’s paths one day we decided to wound the other person to such a level that coming back was no option. As they say once burnt, twice shy so the moment Raunak came to my life, I told him that I wasn’t looking for a relationship. Thankfully he felt the same. So, now we both crave for each other and we both somehow get the much needed peace and calm that was otherwise missing in our lives. And somehow even with each other we still at times visit the memory lane. However, none of us is angry or jealous about it.

I could sense Raunak humming something. He has a melodious voice and it has a power to lift all my burdens off my shoulders. I rested my head against his shoulder and let myself washed by a wave of calmness. Anhad was slowly and steadily again getting lost in the book that I had neatly hidden in my bookshelf. Raunak’s voice was bringing back my reality. My reality – that was bitter yet intoxicating like my whiskey.

Far away somewhere, I could hear the voices of animals as if they were trying to tell us that a new day was about to start. He stopped humming. “Keep on singing na, I like to hear your voice.”

He kissed me and said, “I do love you. Hope you know that.” It was our way of telling each other that even though our pasts were strong, still the present was becoming stronger.” I looked at him with an earnest expression and I knew that we both needed each other again. Not because we had to quieten the raging hormones, but because we just now had come from a funeral. We both had buried our respective past relationship and now we wanted to cleanse ourselves. The demons of the past were finally secured in a closet until the day, the closet would be opened once again and we could come face to face with them.

I looked at my cell phone. It was 6am. “I would like to have my coffee by 7 am and then get ready for the trek. So, show me how much you love me.” Again two drowning souls saved each other and were ready to swim with a renewed ferocity.