Still-2

Prologue- I was on a trip to Kasol with Shashank, my husband. While relishing my dinner, I bumped into Akshat. Akshat, the man I loved once. The man, I still love. My still. Even though I literally chickened out meeting him, at night when Shashank was sleeping, I went to meet Akshat.

 

I rung the bell and he opened it in less than a minute. He wasn’t surprised to see me. I went past him and he closed the door. Just like my room, his had a swing too. I snuggled comfortably on the swing. He looked at me and shook his head. He picked up whiskey bottle and poured me a generous amount and topped it up with ice and water. He handed me the glass and made coffee for himself. I smiled. He too. Even after all these years, we still knew each other. My attention turned to the TV. He was as usual watching some motorbike show. It was my time to nod now. We sat in silence for sometime.

“Alia… I…”

Before he could finish the sentence, I spoke. “Akshat, I’m not here to discuss what happened in between us or why we broke up.”

“Okay, then why are you here? And does Shashank know that you’re here?”

“He will first thing in the morning.” I took a sip from my glass. “I’m here because I wanted to come. Because you’re still somewhere present in my life, even if it’s a small particle. Because of what we had. I’m very happy today. But still somewhere deep down the line, at times I miss you. we would have been an utter disaster together, still at times when I’m drinking my coffee sitting on my chair all alone, I wonder how it would have been. I came here because I wanted to do this…” I got up from the swing and went to him. I made him stand and he looked at me with confused  reaction and without a warning, I just wrapped my arms around him. He hugged me back fiercely.

His hug used to feel home. I used to feel safe and happy. It used to feel as if all my tensions were lifted from my shoulders. I could sense him snuggling my neck. There was nothing sexual about the gesture. It was just filled with immense need. Emotional. Plus it felt as if we both were trying to remember how it used to be with us. Time ticked and we just stood there. But everything comes to an end. So the hug ended too. Thankfully there wasn’t any awkwardness after that.

“So, this is a freaking beautiful resort that you own. Do you think the chef can cook something for the owner at this time?”

I started turning the menu pages and kicked off my slippers while I sat on the bed.

“I’ve already ordered a banana and pineapple smoothie. What do you want?”

“Damn, your taste still sucks. I would need some yummy tikkas. And can we please watch something else? This is frustrating.”

He switched on to History Channel. I looked at him. It still felt home. We were both lying on the bed and were watching Jesus Code. “You know a few days ago I was reading a book about Egypt and I missed you a little.”

I looked at him and smiled. I wanted to tell him that I missed him too but I didn’t. I don’t know why, but I just didn’t. “Where’s your wife?” I asked bluntly. It was a desperate attempt to stop myself from telling him that I still missed him and deep down I still loved him.

“She’s back at home. Every year we both take a few days off so that we can do things that we like.” He replied non-committedly as if it was okay.

Our order came and we started relishing it. I looked at his smoothie and it looked yuck. “So, how’s the photography going by?” I broke the eye contact because even after 13 years, I still couldn’t bear his eyes on me. It felt as if he was looking right through my soul.

“Not doing it much. However, if you don’t mind… can I…?”

I knew the sentence by heart. I had been his muse for the longest time. Seeing myself though his eyes had become a habit. “Only if you want candid pictures. I’m not going to pose because I still don’t know how to.”

His eyes lit like a Christmas tree. We were never much of a talker together. Even when we were together, we used to be quiet. Not because we had nothing to talk about. But because the silence felt good. We didn’t need words to just be connected. There were times when we used to sit in the bathtub together while I read and he just listened to songs on his ear pods. But like everyone else we both had flaws too. And our biggest one was that even though from the beginning we knew we would be a disaster still like stubborn children we carried on. There were signs. We ignored them. Not just because of love. But because we were arrogant. And soon destiny proved to us that it is bigger than us.

The things we used to love about each other, we started to hate them and soon we drifted apart. After sometime I met Shashank. He’s complete opposite of Akshat and perfect for me. Soon we got married and life has been blissful. Even Akshat found Ruhani and tied a knot. I remember crying alone and then putting a brave face. I never hid anything from Shashank. I told him about Akshat on the very first day we met. He never tried to erase Akshat from my mind because Shashank knew that whether he liked or not, Akshat was a part of me. I would be eternally thankful to Shashank for this.

I know that I have been the most selfish person by trying to keep two different people in my life, but then I never pretended to be a saint. We finished our respective midnight snack and in between discussed a lot about Jesus and Egypt. The night was still young. Back in the room, Shashank was sleeping and like a selfish person that I have been, I was trying to steal some last moments with Akshat.

He did click a lot of candid pictures and I knew that it would be enough for him. It would remind both of us that there would be a piece of us that will remain alive in each other. We are that cherished book that will always be present on the book shelf. Dust might make the title a bit faded, but it would never be able to erase it.

A tear prickled through my eye. And he was too sharp to notice it. But he didn’t say a word. He smiled and the smile didn’t reach his eyes. It was full of sadness. Sadness that we never let our stubbornness pressurise to take another step. Sadness that even after all this, we were still not able to break away from each other. Sadness that this is what all we could be.

The guilt was rising and I knew that I had to go back to my room. I hugged him once again while sitting on the bed. He could read me like an open book and he kissed my hair. I walked towards the door and he accompanied me. I looked at him last as if I was trying to capture the moment in my mind forever. I smiled and left. I hear the door click and tears rolled through my eyes. Blind sighted somehow I managed to reach my room. Shashank was still sleeping. I went to the bathroom and cried my heart out.

It was dawn and my time for confession was around the corner. Over a cup of morning coffee, I told Shashank that I went to meet Akshat. I wasn’t surprised when he told me that he knew I would. He didn’t grill me anymore and once again I couldn’t thank him enough of that and couldn’t hate myself more.

We got ready for our trek. Shashank was getting a few things from the room while I was at the reception. Suddenly a bell boy came and handed me a bouquet of red roses with a note. ‘Thank you for last night. I needed this memory to survive for a few years. Hope to see you again sometime. I am leaving so no need to shift the resort. PS: These red roses are for you. The one I could never give you.’

 I felt choked. I tried hard not to cry. The roses were perfect. But I couldn’t take them with me. I took a bud and folded the note carefully. It would go with me to the treasure box that no one knows about.

“So, are we ready for the trek?” I heard Shashank’s happy voice.

“Only if you promise that you have enough water, chips, cold coffee, etc. with you.” he looked at me with a sigh and showed off his backpack filled with necessary goodies.

We made our way to the trek. I looked at the bouquet. It was left all alone on the table. But I had the memory and souvenir with me. Still I wished I could take it with me. Soon the bouquet was no longer in sight. Shashank was. I touched the backpack and could still feel the bud and the note. Akshat was still with me. I smiled and started wondering how to convince Shashank to let go of the idea of the trek and explore some monastery instead.