Lullaby

It was that time of the year when all I desired was to be left alone. Over the years, I had realized that all I did (during this time) was to make people around me sad and at times angry. So, before they could vocalise it, I came up with an arrangement that I needed 10-15 days off so that I could do what I normally did- sulk and think. Now, before you get any wrong idea, the time I’m talking about is my birthday.

My birthday used to be different. At least I used to celebrate it differently. Unlike others, I used to have pre birthday, birthday and post birthday. Trust me I don’t belong to a high society, but somehow my mother has always been more excited about my birthday than any other celebration. So, I was used to that. Used to the fact that I was cherished, not only on my birthday but every day by my mother (and yes, she loves me more than my father and my sister and they both know that). So, after she left birthdays became the most difficult days for me to pass. So, I decided that rather than making others suffer with me, I would suffer on my own.

The cab ride was short. Soon, I reached my hotel. I went to my room and threw my luggage. After few minutes I found myself sitting in a tub filled with water and I think my tears too. There was no agenda. I didn’t want to explore the place. I just wanted to be one with that feeling. To visit the memory lane. To cry as much as I wanted to. To just be myself without wearing a mask.

By evening, my energy had started to wear out. I decided to at least go on the beach and sit quietly like we did once on our only mother-daughter trip to Al-Jumeriah beach Dubai. Even though I work in one of the top companies at a fairly good position, a vacation to Dubai every year isn’t something that I can afford. So, I pick beaches in India. And this time my pick was Radhanagar beach, Havelock.

I was glad that no one was around. That gave me the liberty to shed a few tears without worrying about judging eyes. I was writing my mother’s and my name on the sand, when I heard the sound of a pick up truck. I looked in that direction and saw a man with an ISUZU coming towards the beach. It felt odd. Havelock is mainly honeymooner’s retreat. I, on the other hand had come to bury myself in my grief and then go back to reality with a happy face. What was his story?

I think he was also thinking the same because the moment he saw me, he stopped dead in his tracks. Like my presence had caused some kind of barrier in his plan. He chose to sit a bit far away from me and honestly, I was thankful for it.

I stayed on the beach for some time and thought about all the times I had with her. And how even after years, the void hadn’t filled or should I say I hadn’t let the void to fill. But as they say that everything came to an end, so I decided to go back to the hotel. I got up and looked at that man. He was at some distance still I could see him clearly in the moonlight. He had no glass or cigarette in his hand. And he was looking at the sea with a blank expression. We shared that blank expression. As if he realized that he was being spied upon, he looked at me. Rather than getting embarrassed and running away as if I had caught someone in action, I stayed there. I was glued to the ground. We looked at each other for a few seconds. There was sympathetic acknowledgement in our gaze. I broke the contact and walked away.

Back in my hotel, I decided to have my dinner at the restaurant. I was sipping my whiskey when I saw the man again. He was looking at me. I raised my glass and smiled a bit, but he just looked away. I too got busy with my dinner. Back in the room, after usual call to my family, I was surfing the channels. I decided to go and sit in the balcony with my whiskey and there he was again. I stifled a smile and continued with my drink.

I woke up in my huge bed well before my alarm had gone off. No matter how posh the hotel room was, my Mom always insisted to have the first cup of tea made from the assortments present in the room. And yes, tea had to be made by me (if I’m there with precisely 4-5 sachets of milk powder, 1 cube of sugar and little hot water with the tea bag dipped not more than 6-7 times so that the colour appears but the tea isn’t strong). I made my tea with the exact ritual and went to my balcony only to find him sitting there again. ‘God, this is too much now,’ I thought to myself and then looked at my really short shorts. He also registered my presence and raised his cup of whatever in the same manner like I did last night. I smiled too.

I was the first one to reach the breakfast buffet. Like mother, the daughter is sucker for those lavish breakfast buffets. I was still having my mix veg omelette, when I was joined by that same man.   

“We have already run into each other 3-4 times, so will it be too much if I sit with you and have breakfast?”

I had stopped chewing and looked at him and then back at my table that was almost full. I gestured him to sit down. “Agniv.”

I swallowed my food. “That’s an interesting name. What does it mean?”

“Bright light.”

I looked at him in disbelief. Bright light was sitting in front of perpetual darkness. “Falak.”

“Nice.” We ate our breakfast in silence and before I could leave he said, “I am planning to roam around in the city. Do you want to join?”

I don’t know what came on to me that I said yes. And after exact 30 minutes, I met him in the lobby. We sat in his pick up truck and went for a ride. I think he had already been to Havelock as he took me to a place I had no idea about. He told me that like 90% of the male population, he was an engineer. He usually travel solo as it is his way of exploring and unwinding.

“So, what brought you to Havelock?” he asked as we marvelled the scene. The reason of my visit to Havelock was sacred and the last thing I wanted was to make a stranger a part of my secret. I looked at him to get a better picture. He looked in his mid 30’s. He had this salt and pepper look. He wasn’t drop dead gorgeous but he had this serene look on his face. We stayed on that island for  sometime and then came back to our hotel.  

This carried on for a few days. We used to roam the city together. we never talked much. We both preferred silence. It felt nice. Nice to have someone but at the same point be alone. We grew fond of each other but still gave each other ample time to be with oneself.

One fine night, we were sitting on the Radhanagar beach. I was exceptionally quiet as it was my birthday and I was missing my mother too much. “You seem quiet today,” he said.

I looked at him. He had this peaceful gaze on his face. It prompted me to tell him. “It’s my birthday today and it used to be a pompous affair when Mom was there. I still can’t deal with her absence so every year I go somewhere alone so that I can be on my own.” He kept looking at the sea. It felt nice. He wasn’t being sympathetic about it. I continued, “At times the void is too difficult to handle. I just want the pain to stop.”

We stayed there for a while and it started raining. We took our leisure time to go back to the hotel. I poured myself a drink after we had changed to dry clothes. “Do you want some?” He said no and I continued with my drink. We talked a bit more for sometime and I lay down on the bed. He stroked my hair and kept on murmuring something. Exhausted due to crying, I fell asleep in no time.

I woke up in the middle of night and found him sitting in the balcony. “Hey, what are you doing here in the balcony?”

“I was worried for you as you often talked and cried in your sleep. Are you feeling any better?”

“I will be fine. Don’t worry.” I rubbed my hands. Suddenly he got up from his chair and kissed me. That was the time when the dam broke loose. Soon we were inside the room and were loving each other as we both depended upon each other. There was a gentleness as well as urgency in his touch. We cried out loud in ecstasy and he enveloped me in his arms as if he didn’t want any harm to come to me. I cried my heart out while he kept murmuring to me. His soothing words felt like a lullaby and soon I was asleep again. In my dream I saw myself with Mom. We were happily talking to each other while sitting on a plush bed.

The next few days passed in absolute bliss. Agniv remained the rock on which I could lean upon when I had given up. Soon the day came when we were supposed to go back. “Thank you so much Agniv. I had a really good time.” Seeing me struggling with words, he just hugged me and kissed on my forehead.

“I have already saved my number in your phone. I’ll be travelling to your city soon for some work. Don’t forget to message me as soon as you land.”

I smiled and walked towards my gate. Just then my phone beeped. It was a message from Agniv. “The next time you feel exhausted, listen to the below song:

And I think you should know,

That I won’t let it go,

It was like a million times,

I’m singing a lullaby.”

I smiled while I plugged my earphones and tuned on to that song.