Still...

“Isn’t the room gorgeous?” Shashank asked me throwing his bags in the centre of the room while he inspected it. With a little irritation followed by a smile at his childlike curiosity, I put the luggage in the corner and started inspecting the room. It felt as if it was designed keeping me in my mind. There was a huge jacuzzi in the bathroom. The room had a large window overlooking the lofty snow clad Himalayas. Just near the window, there was a one person indoor swing with a small but spacious table in the front that would be ideal to keep my coffee mug while I am introspecting. The balcony presented a stunning view of lofty snow clad Himalayas. Last but not the least, there was a beautiful coffee table with stunning chairs, ideal for my alone morning coffee sessions.

“I told you that this time mountains would be a better option as compared to your beaches.” Shashank hugged me from the back and I didn’t say it openly but yes it was a great option. I don’t know what came on to me. I turned around and hugged Shashank fiercely. As if my life depended on it. Without a word, he reciprocated it. There was no lust behind that hug. Just immense need.

I was relishing my bubble bath when Shashank reminded me that it was dinner time. I could have gone in my pyjamas. But dressed in pyjamas while the person beside you is dressed to kill, doesn’t seem like a good option. We were sitting in a bar with a nice view when Shashank got a call and he excused himself. I was relishing my whiskey when I felt a sense of nervousness enveloped me. The hair of my nape tingled as if someone had brushed his fingers. I quickly looked around but no one was there.

Just then Shashank touched my shoulder and I jumped with fright. “Hey, what’s wrong?” I felt parched. I knew this sensation. But it couldn’t be. I was trying to find words when Shashank spoke hurriedly, “There is some screw up in office. I need to have a call. Just give me max half an hour. We’re going to do dinner together.” He kissed me leaving me breathless. The sensation lightened but it still wasn’t gone. I gulped my whiskey and thought of sitting out in the open near the river. I was beginning to feel better when a voice jolted me.

“Alia…”

I could recognise that voice in a crowd. Trust me these are not cheesy words. I looked in the direction and there he was. Time had changed him. His jet black hair had become salt and pepper. His eyes looked tired and the face, that boyish face was gone. This was a face of a man who looked tired as if he was a soldier who had been to many battles.

He was none other than Akshat. The boy I fell in love with and with time we both trampled each other’s hearts so badly that going back was no longer an option. He smiled and I realised no matter how many years had passed, his smile was one thing that hadn’t changed. I don’t know if I asked him to sit or not. I was just too engrossed looking at him. Trying to visualise what all I had missed in these years.

“How come you’re here?” I knew I was blunt but for the first time it felt like he was burnt by my question.

“This is my resort. I come here every winter. Just to be close to the nature.” That was the reason why it felt like the room was fragment of my imagination. We talked or should I say exchanged pleasantries. He had become a hotshot in his company. And I ended up being Editor in one of the famous publishing houses. He asked questions for a while and I answered in a robotic way. Just then I looked at my watch. “Sorry, have to cut this short. I was supposed to have dinner but as usual Shashank hasn’t realised that he’s not in office. I’ll catch you later, alright?”

I left before I got any answer. I went back to my room and saw Shashank working furiously. For a moment, I looked at him closely. We met each other at such a turning point of our lives where we both had given up hope. Together, we rose each other. Made each other a better version. No doubt, Akshat was still in some corner of my heart, but Shashank… well I needed him around me so that I could breathe properly. I closed the door and as usual the man was oblivious of all that. I shut down his laptop and before he could complain about it, I kissed him.

It felt good. He felt good. It felt as he was putting the pieces back that had scattered after meeting Akshat. A tear escaped my eye. I wonder whether it was because of the realisation that I was no longer head over heels in love with Akshat or that life would have been incomplete without Shashank.

I could not sleep. I got out from Shashank’s grip, took a sip of water and sat on the swing. I looked back at Shashank. God! He looked adorable. And then I looked outside the window. ‘The night seems darkest before the dawn.’ This was something that Akshat told me once. I slipped on my robe and quietly went out of the room.

I ranged the bell of Akshat’s room. He was awake and frankly I wasn’t surprised. We both knew that sooner or later this meeting would take place. Without a word, I went inside his room and snuggled on the swing. We smiled and he poured me some whiskey. Even after so many years, we hadn’t forgotten small things about each other. He was watching some motorbike show. So typical of him. We sat in silence for some time.

“Does Shashank know you’re here?” he asked me while sipping his coffee.

 “He will first thing in the morning.” We were again quiet. None of us had anticipated this meeting. But we had to meet, this was for sure too. “Alia…” he started after much deliberation, “whatever happened in between us was…”

I stopped him in between. “Don’t think I’m here to get an apology from you. Neither have I come here to sort a reason as to why we ended. We had to end, so we ended.”

“Then, why are you here?”

I gulped the content of the glass. “Because I wanted to. Because you’re still somewhere present in my life even if it’s a small particle. Because of what we had. Because of what we could have had. I’m very happy today. But still somewhere deep down the line, at times I miss you. We would have been an utter disaster together, still at times when I’m drinking my coffee sitting on my favourite chair all alone, I wonder how it would have been. I came here because I wanted to do this…” I got up from my swing and went to him. I made him stand and he was looking at me with confused reaction and without a warning, I just wrapped my arms around him. He hugged me back fiercely. It felt same way like he had hugged me for the first time. But unlike that time, the hug didn’t feel home. I didn’t feel safe. “I missed you. Not a lot but a little. And I’m glad to see that you’re doing great.” I broke the hug, looked at him for a while and then left. His answer or reaction was no longer needed.

Dawn was making its presence felt. Back in the room, Shashank was still sleeping peacefully. I made coffee for ourselves and sat in the balcony. Within minutes he was with me. He sat on the floor and I too made myself comfortable next to him. “I went to meet Akshat.” He kissed my hair and said, “I knew you would.”

I wasn’t surprised that he knew he was here. Shashank could see through me. “I don’t know why, still I had to meet him.” He kissed me and the topic ended then and there. The Sun had risen. There was light everywhere. The darkness inside me had also lessened a bit.

“So, how long is the trek?” I asked while I nibbled him.

“Well, if we walked at my speed then 4-5 hours, but if we walked at your speed then it will take a whole day.”

We laughed and then passion paved its way again. There will always be a ‘Still’ in my life, but I was with my forever and it was all that mattered.