The Dream

“Mom, I’m almost ready. How much time will you take? Shall I book the cab?” After a long time, I was feeling this light headed. On a weekday I wasn’t getting ready for office, but I was getting ready to go on a shopping spree with my mother. I called for a cab. I was too lazy to drive. Today’s agenda was binge eating, shopping to my heart’s content and talk endlessly with my mother. The cab arrived and we set out on ‘Mother-Daughter’s’ day out. “It feels so good. Today I don’t have to chase any deadline. I really wanted to do this today. Remember I told you about the job that I applied for; they rejected me day before yesterday. I was too embarrassed to tell you about it. I wonder if I’m ever going to land into some great job. I mean I like this job, but I want to write stories; about people, travel, food.” I looked at my mother. She had this serene look. She was looking at me earnestly, like she was able to understand my frustration, but at the same time she knew that I didn’t want any pity, so she was offering me none. Like a patient listener she was just letting me vent out my anger and frustration.

Soon we reached our destination. Damn! So many people. How come everyone was free and what the hell were they doing in a mall on a Wednesday? I mean I agree that even I was in the mall, but then I had taken an off and had come here to spend some quality time with my mother, but what were these people doing here? Why couldn’t I get a completely empty Mall today? I hurriedly paid the bill, held my mother’s hand and ushered her into the Mall. There was a maddening rush inside the Mall. I clasped her hand with a fierce grip as if I was afraid that I might lose her in the crowd.

Suddenly I stopped in the middle of the Mall. I wanted to take her to the best shop. I wanted to splurge on her. Even at 63, she is the most beautiful woman I have ever come across. I’m not saying this because she’s my mother. It’s because she is. I was again getting frustrated. Actually I was overwhelmed. I looked at her and saw that she was looking at me with a smiling face. Suddenly it felt like I was washed over by a wave of calmness. I quickly looked away. I don’t know why but I was feeling way too emotional and I didn’t want to cry. I was too happy that she was with me.

Like I kid, which I actually am not, I wandered from one shop to another. I wanted this to be my shopping spree, but I was making her try on clothes. Should I go for white? I mean it’s her favourite colour. But then I wanted to see her in some colour. Out lately I have been just seeing her wearing a white kurta. And even though she looked beautiful as ever, the strange calmness that she had enveloped recently, it was… disturbing. At times it feels like that I’m losing her, like she is becoming a new person whose face is the only thing I’m familiar with. So, it scares me. She has stopped talking much. Everytime she has this sweet smile on her face. I miss her voice. Actually I miss the scolding, the Punjabi way of abusing that only proves your mother love you a lot! So, this time white was off the hook. I gave her a beautiful blue dress. I realised that she had lost weight. When did that happen? God! How come am I not keeping a tab on her? I have to feed her. But what? Ahhh yess… Chole Bhature. I was still holding the dress while my mind was racing with thoughts. And she… she just stood there. Not saying a word. Drinking every detail of me. There was something so captivating in her gaze that I felt like she was undressing me every second and soon she would be able to see my soul and hear my thoughts. A lump formed in my throat. I sucked in a breath and gave her the dress. The moment she turned, I rushed to the corner and let myself breathe. A tiny tear escaped and ran down my cheek. I struggled to breathe. I could feel people looking at me. Strange it was! I wonder why I was feeling this emotional.

She came out wearing the dress. Had she ever looked that beautiful? I guess no. She reminded me of ocean. My happy place. I nodded in approval and we got the dress billed. It was time to feed her. “Are you tired? I’m sure you must be tired. Do you need water or anything?” I was blabbering, while she just smiled as if trying to tell me not to act like a fool. I secured a table for her and ordered her favourite food.

While the food came, I loaded her with details about my office, my friends, my husband and his family, how I wish to do something different, how I’m planning that soon we would go on a trip and that it was supposed to be a surprise but as I’m so excited that I couldn’t keep it with me. I told her about the new friends that I have made and how they act as complete support. Told her about Madhura… how she fills the surrogate mother role with a perfect ease. I complained how Dad and my sister at times fight with each other and I have to act as mediator to resolve the conflict. The food came, and after ages I actually gobbled it in no time. I was scared, I guess. It was as if I was feeling that soon the day would end and tomorrow my routine would start up again, so I wanted to have as many experiences today with my mother as I could. I was excited at the thought that what would be next on the platter and at the same time, I was nervous about what if she didn’t like any of it. I looked at her slyly and saw that she was looking at me with concern. After a long time I saw that there was some kind of pain in her eyes and she wasn’t smiling. It furthered scared me. God! Was she able to hear my thoughts? Did I say something out too loud? I needed a distraction. I wanted to distract her. She couldn’t know what I was feeling. It would ruin everything. It would ruin our beautiful day together. “Do you w…ant a Masala lemonade?” I stammered. Her smile was back and she nodded her head. Thank God, she smiled. I felt the knots inside me loosening and my breathing normalised. I looked around and saw the hustle and bustle in the food court. Kids were screaming both in joy and annoyance. Love birds were literally lost in each other’s eyes… damn, such a cliché romance. Couples were busy in their respective phones. And then suddenly I saw this unconventional guy with long hair, ultra long beard but nicely trimmed, looking at me. I blushed because there was no doubt that he was handsome and who doesn’t like some attention.

I looked back at my mother. She was eating her Chole Bhature silently. “Rita Sagar,” I murmured, “look at that guy sitting opposite to us. He’s looking at me.” My mother as usual without any filter craned her neck and checked him out. Trust me my mother has no filter. Slyly is a word that is missing in her dictionary. She believes in doing everything in a rocking manner. She looked back at me and winked. God! Only my mother could do this. I laughed out loud. So hard that tears blinded me, but I didn’t stop. This reaction had come out of her after two years. It was about to become a distant memory, but she brought it back to life for me. “Stop it Rita Sagar,” I spoke again and wondered for a second when was the last time I called her by her name. See for me my endless love for her is showcased when I call her by her name and not by conventional Mom, Mama or Mummy. “Stop checking him out or he might come to us and ask us why we’re checking him out, and trust me your daughter is married, so checking out other guys is like a paap for her.”

I laughed some more. We finished our meal and wandered in the Mall for some more time. The guy as if on cue, left the food court too and made it sure that he was within the periphery of mother and daughter. Maybe he too liked the attention given by both of us. At times he smiled at us, and we both giggled like school girls. It was getting late, so we decided to head back. Actually I didn’t want to go. I wanted to stay in that Mall forever. My mother also didn’t point out on leaving, but then there are times when you feel that the end is approaching and you act on it. Our day was ending too and we both knew about it. So before exiting the Mall, my mother kind of nudged the guy’s shoulder that was still roaming within our reach and after doing that my mother winked at him too.

I took my mother by her arm and ran out of the Mall laughing hysterically before that guy realised what actually happened. Through our entire way back home, both of us were laughing hysterically. We arrived at home, went upstairs and fell on the bed, but the bouts of laughter hadn’t ended.

We both were laughing at the top of our voice. I saw my mother and she looked as if she was in peace. I quickly hugged her and suddenly the tears that I were trying to hold since morning left the captivity and were finally free. I hugged my mother ferociously and I started crying out loudly. My mother was still laughing as if someone was tickling her and I was crying out loudly. Suddenly I found my voice and said, “I’ve missed you so much Mom. When my friends talk about their mothers, I feel at loss. Life seems so incomplete without you. Please either come back to me or take me with you. Each day is difficult to pass and I miss you too much. Please Mom, I need you too much.”

I kept on crying and she kept on laughing. I hugged her hard as if I was afraid to lose her. I could feel my pillow getting wet. I could hear myself crying. Scared, I woke up with a start. I was all alone in my bed. My mother wasn’t there. I was having a dream. But it was too real to be denied. I could still feel my mother’s arms around me. My pillow was wet. It had been 2 years that she had left me, but the pain was still fresh and I knew it would always be. My head was throbbing and the heartache… it was 1000 times worse than my heartbreak. I looked at my nightstand. A simple photo frame held a beautiful picture of me hugging my mother. I took that photo frame and cried out loud, not worrying if my cries would wake up anyone. The clock struck 4am. I still had 2 hrs to remain in the memory of my mother before I wore a mask and pretend that I was handling my loss perfectly well.