Hungover

I adjusted in my seat and took a deep breath. I couldn’t believe my eyes. Finally my wish was fulfilled. I was going to watch ‘The Opera’ in New York City. I turned my gaze to Saurabh and stifled a smile. He was a pathetic liar. I knew how much he loved being there, but just to tease me he was acting as if it was all insufferable to him.

“Smile, a bit,” I pinched his arm, “otherwise people would think that you’re here under duress.”

“I’m here under duress,” he whispered in my ear. Too close for my sanity. But as usual he ignored the effect that he had on me. “I just came here for you and for the fact that I love you the most.” There he said it again and it made me smile and my heart ache at the same time. But to keep the atmosphere light, I winked at him and directed his face back to the stage. People were still pouring in and I couldn’t wait when everyone would be finally seated and the opera would begin. People dressed in stunning gowns, beautiful ambience, the place was surreal, as if somebody had chanted a spell and a fantasy world was created and we had the power to see the magic unfolding right in front of our eyes. 

Finally the lights went off, and I found myself in a dark tunnel. Just few seats before me was none other than Armaan. Even though I hadn’t been able to look at his face properly, but then I knew it was him. I could feel him. Feel him in my body, my every cell, my breathing had become shallow as if someone was strangulating me but at the same time due to some sadistic pleasure not letting me consume by the Death, but letting my lungs long for that precious whiff of air. My pulse rate had heightened not because of any kind of fear, but with sheer nervousness. And even on a chilly evening, I was precipitating. But most important of all, my mind had been able register his presence that even I couldn’t deny.

Just like I was attuned to Armaan’s presence, Saurabh knew when something was wrong with me. He looked at me and the concern was evident in his eyes. I faked a smile and knew he would catch my lie in no time, but thankfully being at opera night; I knew he wouldn’t create any scene nor he would ask me unnecessary questions. The perils of knowing me so nicely had always been borne by Saurabh. He knew when I needed him, what I needed and even to what amount. He placed his hand on the arm rest and I knew in my heart that it was his way of saying that I could hold him at any time. He suspiciously moved his gaze in the direction where my gaze was fixed. Seeing Armaan he first froze and then within nanosecond he was emitting fire. This was my cue to calm him down. The opera started and both of us knew that we won’t be able to enjoy it, as I would be too busy thinking about my past, and he would be too busy looking at my face.

I couldn’t place the girl Armaan was sitting with, maybe his wife or someone else. Armaan was that chapter in my life which started but never ended. The weird thing was that with every new chapter, be it in header or footer or even in side notes, I could find Armaan’s name everywhere. As if I was cursed that my life would never be complete without him and my life would be never complete with him. I got him in bits and parts and that’s somehow I’ve always got him. In bits and parts...

We met at the most prestigious university. Even though we’re from different fields, still somehow our meeting was destined. It was our college fest and he was an engineer with a DSLR and I was a Mass Com student who was more interested in her whiskey glass rather than shouting at the top of her lungs. He found me sitting on stairs with a whiskey glass while he was trying to find beauty in our otherwise boring university with his DSLR. From his friend, I became his muse then his confidante, punching bag and what not. He loved me but he never confessed. Well, that maybe because I confessed everyday too many times, many a times from his side too and he smiled meekly. College ended and we got respective jobs. Being a love struck teenager, I made it sure to get placed in the same city and my wish came true. 

University love is very different from real world love. None of us were jealous or possessive about each other. He was a loner and even though I never wanted to be, but I was center of attraction. Well, I can blame this on my ‘Punjabi Attitude’. So, where he struggled to have one friend, I struggled not to end up everybody’s friend. So, with each and every passing day we struggled to come upto each other’s expectations. We struggled to harbour same amount of love for each other while we tried to fit in other people and our respective reality and dream world aspirations. I was lucky one as I was doing what I wanted to do always and that was writing. He on the other constituted that 90% of the population who become engineer by force but in their hearts, they dream for a different reality. 

Just like his zodiac sign, his split personality started eating us up. The once happy go lucky couple who were sure about each other now had turned into bitter individuals who unknowingly were destroying each other only. We had been so used to of each other than when both of us started destroying each other, we thought this is also a form of love. It was then when we realised that it wasn’t love anymore but hatred towards each other, we decided to part ways. The breakup wasn’t a mutual one. We didn’t behave like adults who decided to remain friends afterwards. We knew that would never be possible and we were so hungover on each other that like an addiction we would get back to each other in no time. So, we decided that to end the suffering, we should kaput it. 

Try to imagine a wounded soldier having a sword standing in front of an enemy. He knows that he would die sooner or later, but that doesn’t stop him. He goes for a fatal blow so by the time he dies, he is satisfied that maybe his enemy is also nearing his end. We did that with each other. The final blow was so strong that all the doors and roads leading to each other got blocked. And this is exactly what we wanted!

I move out of the city and found solace in my best friend Saurabh. With Editor in a leading publishing house, life is good. I know Saurabh loves me to moon and back, just the way I love Armaan. I know that I care deeply for Saurabh and he’s the one I would end up being happy with. As far as love is concerned, his love is more than enough for both of us. I know I’m being selfish, but then saint wasn’t my name ever. 

The music had become painful as it was making my heart clench. Probably my own pain was mirrored in front of my eyes. I could sense Saurabh’s eyes on me. I held his hand and he returned the clasp with fierce possessiveness. The moment opera ended, I rushed out to calm my suffocating lungs with the much needed air. I ran like a madwoman to the restroom. I looked at myself and came face to face with the girl whom Armaan left on a balmy summer evening. I retouched my makeup and knew that this wasn’t how I was supposed to face him. People were standing in the lobby discussing the performance. I had no difficulty in finding Saurabh and just behind him was Armaan. It felt like his eyes were also searching someone and the moment his eyes met mine, it felt as if the search had ended. The lady who was with him clasped his arm, and Saurabh proclaimed his right on his territory. However, we both kept looking at each other. Regret, Anger, Pain, Love, Disappointment... every emotion mirrored in our eyes. Our respective partners made us walk in our respective directions, but somehow I felt like my soul was left standing there, and so was his. I looked back for the last time and saw him looking at me too. 

Back in the car I knew Saurabh was quieter than usual. I held his hand and spoke, “You see I’m still quite hungover on him.”

He kissed my hand and replied, “You know you’re beautiful, and I’m not saying this because of your features, but you are. Today a look at Armaan made it clear that he still loves you. Armaan, I... we love you soo much. The face that launched a thousand ships. I love you for the fact that you have so much power on me. My life revolves around you. And you know when I fell in love with you. I fell in love with you that night, when I confessed that I loved you and you went to your home. I never told you, but I followed you. I was outside your apartment and it was then when I heard a sound. I got so scared that I used the extra key and stepped in. You were kneeling in your living room and you were making this sound. It wasn’t sound of crying, but it was something I had never heard before. And then on the side table I saw this frame having Armaan’s picture. And within minutes, you held yourself together, took the picture and went to your room oblivious of the fact that I was watching you all this while and then you called me and ordered me to get your favourite Chinese food and come over. I knew it in my heart that you would always be hungover on him, but that doesn’t mean you can’t drink more.”

He winked and I laughed out loud. I started looking out of the window. My hand was still in his grasp. He was right. I was drinking on him despite the fact that my hangover of Armaan was here to stay till my last breath.