The Never Ending Wait

           There was something about the sea that roused weird emotions in Kaya. The stillness at times reminded her how her life has been, but the very next minute a torrid wave challenged her that she was she was cursed! Cursed to never know what contentment was, cursed to never feel what stillness was. She kept on walking. Away from people. Weird it was! People come to Goa to relax, to unwind themselves and most important of all to party hard and here was Kaya, an attractive woman of 35; she was walking away from all this. Where? Well Kaya thought herself to be cursed by Satan himself. Her life was a long journey with no destination.

            After walking for an age, she found a secluded corner. How apt that sounded. Secluded. Just like her life. If you think she was going to lament over what she had lost or what she was in the process of losing, then you’re wrong. Even though Kaya was attracted to sea, she was herself no more than a pail of bucket marooned in a desert. Strong gust of wind, scorching Sun had dried the very last drop of water. So now, she was EMPTY! Just like the bucket.

            With a beer in one hand and cigarette in another, she looked at the sea. If on Earth there was a true example of liar, then the sea would get maximum marks. Maybe that’s why it attracted Kaya so much. Lie! Many times people tend to have a bitter taste in their mouth after they heard this word, but strangely it soothed Kaya. Why? Hmmmm... Let’s leave that little mystery to her only. Kaya laid down on the sand. Anybody from a distance would have found the sight inviting, but only Kaya knew that it wasn’t. She was preparing herself. For what? Something that even she didn’t know. But she was just adhering to a statement that was being told to her sometime ago.

            Kaya had never been alone, still she was lonely. After her parents left, Kaya went on her own. She knew that she never wanted to get married. But did she say no to commitment also? Did she turn her back from love too? No, that won’t be right to say. Kaya chuckled slightly. Even though she was debating that she still had a love bone in her anatomy, guys who had been dumped by her; didn’t feel the same way. For them Kaya was devil. She needed them when her need arose, otherwise she would keep them at bay. What was she searching for? She recalled Raghav asking her this question. She had got hyper after listening to this question. My God! What scene had she created. And when she realised that she was too close to showing her actual self, she left the venue. Left Raghav stranded. She did feel guilty about it, but there was no way she could throw the mask. Running was the best option.

            Raghav! She adored him. Not only because he was mind blowing handsome, but somehow he read Kaya as if she wasn’t a coded script neatly hidden in a painting but a book with all the minute details. The day she met Raghav, she knew that sooner or later it would end and she would be the one to do it. Still she kept on seeing him. Why? She felt light with Raghav. It felt like Raghav had given her the opportunity to showcase her split personality that Kaya neatly hid under her blogger skin. Kaya had always been an extreme case. There was no middle road for her. She would either yell in full public view if she was hurt, or she would end up showing PDA that would put even E L James to shame. She had done former with Raghav, numerous times. She knew Raghav wanted the latter too, but Kaya never gave in. Raghav stuck to her. Through thick and thin. He did get angry but he didn’t leave. Maybe that’s why Kaya got scared. There was no way Kaya kept her stride with Raghav. Raghav wanted a destination. Kaya was cursed to continue her journey. Afterall a home can’t be constructed on a highway. So Kaya did what was easy for her. She left him. Just like that. And kept on moving.

            She missed Raghav at times. Terribly! But then Kaya knew that she was mirror image of devil herself. She needed Raghav. She wanted to fulfil her need but wanted to do nothing about his. So, the minute she used to think about him, a cigarette always came to her rescue. And with the smoke, she tried to burn her need and problems too. At times Kaya wondered why she couldn’t reciprocate Raghav’s feelings. He was a character straight away from Mills and Boons. Tall, Fair (slight change) and Handsome. Totally supportive. Great cook. Intuitive, knew how to handle Kaya and her mood swings, successful, well read and yes totally head over heels in love with her. So, in short he was every girl’s dream. So, why not Kaya’s? What was she searching for?

            Twilight had made the atmosphere beautiful yet mysterious. The calm sea had suddenly turned into rage just like Kaya’s thoughts. The water was now wetting her, as if challenging her to stop her reverie now or else it would be too late. The cigarette was finished. Kaya knew she wanted another one. But right now she was heady, heady of what would follow. So, she stayed there. Let water dampen her spirits, because she knew she would need a solid excuse once she was done with contemplation.

            Kaya was freshly out of college when the doors of hell broke loose for her. She had started a new job, and was quite heady with the financial independence. Even though she worked as a content writer in a Travel company, still she loved her job thoroughly. On one such day, she met the death of hers. Advay. His name was damn strange. The first thing she did was google the meaning and she was stunned as to how apt his name was. It meant unique, and Advay was a living example of being unique.

            The more she got to know about Advay, she realised that he wasn’t wrong but he was just different from her. But Kaya couldn’t stop the inevitable from happening and it was falling for him. If you have heard about the seven circles of hell (please loving him was no hell for Kaya, it’s just a metaphor) then Advay was its 8^th circle. Even though no loving words, no commitments, no talks about future was offered by anyone of them, still Kaya knew that this was what she wanted. She tried to remember if she had voiced this desire of her loudly? She didn’t remember. Still it was Kaya’s life’s biggest truth.

            Kaya in her unconditional love and desperation became everything Advay wanted. Kaya knew that he loved her, but they were just different. Maybe they were like sea and shoreline who couldn’t stay together but coming back to each other was the only option left. The same thing happened with both of them too. Kaya broke up with Advay many times, and so did he; only to realise by the next day that it would never happen. Even though Kaya ferociously wanted a stable relationship so that she could stray away from Advay, but even when it came in the face of Raghav, the clutches of love that she had and still has for Advay were so strong, that she couldn’t move an inch.

            There were times when she was angry at herself. Everybody had a right to be happy so why couldn’t Kaya bury whatever negligible there was in between her and Advay and search for inner peace? Kaya tried everything. Drugs were never on the list, but she did try meditation, dancing, painting, reading religious texts, listening to Sadguru and what not. But maybe Kaya wasn’t made for peace. She found solace in her misery, and whenever it became difficult to handle cigarette always came handy.

            There was a time when Kaya expected too much out of the relationship. Funny, because she didn’t even know if she was in one or not. Her expectations haven’t died, she has just stopped voicing them. Many times she felt like running away from Advay too, but you can’t outrun your death. The night had fallen and the sea had become a monster. Kaya’s stomach growled and she knew her thoughts of Advay would never end, but she had to do something about her hunger pangs. Kaya got up and started walking. She was completely drenched. Wonder if it was water or Advay again? She smiled and reached the shack whose food she had to taste and write a review. A guy came and offered to buy her drinks. Kaya smilingly showed him her wedding ring. No, Kaya hadn’t married Advay. She got a ring for herself and wore it. After all it was easy to show guys a finger and ask them to buzz off rather than make them explain the complexity of Kaya and Advay’s relation.

            Back in her room, she was furiously typing the details about her 1^st day in Goa. She occasionally looked at the phone, but there was nothing. She kept her laptop aside and ordered for Chocolate ice-cream as her late night snack. While relishing her ice-cream, she kept checking her phone too. Suddenly her favourite ghazal played on the TV.

‘Koi yeh kaise bataye ki wo tanha kyu hai...’

            With a smile on her face, Kaya started planning her next day in Goa. No doubt there were occasional bouts where she questioned herself about Advay, but not a moment she regretted. So, what if her life was an endless wait, the journey was worth every second. She could hear the waves making enraged sound. Who knows maybe the shoreline and the waves are having a fight too? But still they come back to each other, don’t they?