The Need

The cough got unbearable. Vani tried to reach for a glass of water but like always it was not on her bedstand. Reluctantly she got up. The curtains were still drawn yet rays had somehow made their way from the cracks and had kind of illuminated the room. The cough worsened and Vani knew that the relief would come after sipping some water. Even though she wasn’t in a state, still she went to the kitchen, heated a cup of water for herself and drank it to sooth her aching throat. Even though her growling stomach told her directly that she was famished, still she crawled back to the bed. But alas, sleep had eluded her eyes.

She snuggled in her duvet. The rays had somehow fused with the darkness. The room was illuminated still it had traces of darkness that even the mighty Sun wasn’t able to take away. Vani smiled at the similarity. Just like her room, her life also bore the similarities. There was light but some corners were so dark and scary that nothing could penetrate.

Being manager in a reputed company she had everything people desired; a house of her own, a swanky car, big bank balance, a man she loved, a man who loved her, a dotting family still she was alone on a dark patchy path. She wasn’t afraid of darkness. The problem was that she was expected to keep on treading the dark patch rather than just wait till the dawn so that the path is visible. She was a needy person, she knew that. But is that wrong? Is it wrong to be needy? It wasn’t that Vani was unable to solve the complications in her life; it’s just that at times she needed support that she never got.

Back at office things were falling apart and being the manager Vani was supposed to keep everything afloat. There were times when she was herself drowning but yet was making sure that people reach the shore safely. In this effort nobody even spent a minute to think that has she made to the shore safely or not? She was called ‘The Boss’ in her office because her team thought her to be over zealous and competitive and wanted her to have an easy life so that their life could get easier, but there were times when she silently wept in the washroom as she didn’t want to be the saviour. She was herself struggling to survive. She wanted to breathe but whenever she tried all she could taste were her own tears.

People do say that Karma is a bitch. Vani was a living proof of that. For years there was a guy in her life who loved her passionately and wanted to be with her. However, for Vani the feelings were never mutual so they were never reciprocated. Even though Vani tried to maintain the friendship level but when she realised that she couldn’t keep up with the expectations, she decided to make herself distant. Afterall she was just hurting the guy by not reciprocating to his feelings, wasn’t she? So moving away was an excellent idea. It was then she got the taste of her own medicine.

She has known Rishabh all her life. She loved him. How much? Well she was ready to trade oxygen with Rishabh. Sounds cheesy? But then that’s what love does to you. It makes you cheesy, emotional, at times insecure. And gladly Vani was suffering from all these emotions. A man with a mind of his own... was correct description for Rishabh. No matter how many times Vani tried to analyse him and draw a conclusion, he ended up providing her with a null hypothesis. Even after all these years, Vani couldn’t vouch for the fact that she knew him but could say it without a blink of an eye that he knew her inside and out. Vani hated uncertainty and it was Rishabh’s middle name.

The phone rang and with aches ringing in every part of her body she picked up her phone. “Hello?”

“How are you? You can’t even imagine what just happened?” and it all started again. No doubt Vani was already on cloud nine getting Rishabh’s phone but she could taste the disappointment in her mouth that the need wasn’t catered to. He was excitedly telling her about his new project and what all ideas he had in his mind. Vani also cheered him up. Was it a defense mechanism or had it become a knack to deal with her disappointment, Vani had no idea. They talked for a good long time. Vani like a supporting lover (was she a lover?) gave her comments and backed him up whenever he felt unsure of himself during the conversation. Her eyes stung. Not because of the fever but because she was adamantly not letting her tears wash over her disappointment. The call continued and out of nowhere she found herself saying, “I wish I could see you right now.”

Rishabh wasn’t made of stone. But his experiences had somehow made him grow a thick skin. He does feel things and would at times prove with his actions that he cares but doing it as a part of routine is an impossible task for him. No doubt it was great for his self defense but at times he forgot that people do get hurt, because they are banging on the door with a brass door knob and the recipient is not opening the door altogether. On my sentence of need he quietened me by saying that he hasn’t got time at his disposal. Once again I was left alone at the time of need. But then who was I to complain? I had done the same thing with somebody else.

We kept the phone. Maybe not because the conversation had ended but because both the parties knew that disappointment was round the corner. No matter how understanding she tried to be she couldn’t shake off the fact that she needed him exclusively at times. From his perspective no matter how honest he tries to be it did hurt her. So, there’s an unspoken mutual pact. Rather than fighting and (especially her) dealing with the stress of things going sour, the moment you know disappointment is standing round the corner and is ready to give you a hug, you just change the course of the path.

By now the growling was at its zenith and Vani had to get off from her bed. She made a simple toast for herself. She looked around her 3BHK posh apartment. There was an errie silence. Vani, whose name and characteristics were enough to brighten the non sunshine days, was today sitting in a gloomy apartment.  She needed somebody at that time. Anybody, though every muscle in her body cried only one name but she knew that she just needed somebody at that time. Somebody to hug her, to tell her that things would be fine, to assure her that everyone has dark corners and it’s nothing to be scared off, to promise her that no matter even if she get tired of walking that person is going to wait till the time she gains strength to walk again.

With some coaxing Vani got up from the floor where few minutes ago her tired self had sprawled itself. She took the much needed pain killer so that she could get her strength back. Her phone was blinking and there was yet another message from Rishabh. ‘Will be busy for next 8-10 hours as going for an important meeting. Will ttyl’ She closed her eyes as if giving the tears a warning not to spill. She knew whether she responds or not wouldn’t make any difference. Rishabh will look at the phone once he is done with his priority but somehow love again overcame hurt and disappointment. She replied a simple ok. She threw the phone and picked it again. The impulses made her check whether the whatsapp message got a blue tick and it had. Closing her mind to Rishabh, she messaged Sushant ‘Sorry’.

With this she threw her phone on the bed and turned on her music system. She decided on a song that suited her mood, need and even her desperation and then Vani danced as if no one was looking. She thought about the next person whom she loves the most (at par with Rishabh) and danced. Thankfully she didn’t leave her alone at the time of need and Vani gladly shed the tears she had been harbouring for so long.